Jay: I'll go see what room Becky's in, or we can just feel for which doorknob is cold.

Gloria: Escape room? What is that?
Cameron: Oh, it's a themed room that they lock you in, and then you have to solve puzzles and clues to, um, you know, escape.
Gloria: Or they cut off your finger?
Phil: What? No. It's just for fun.
Gloria: Oh, but then that lowers the stakes.

Gloria: Jay, did you hear that there is an escape room across the street?
Jay: We're not doing that.
Gloria: Why not?
Jay: Because when you get in a stressful situation, you start to scream, and I'm not taking that show into a locked room.
Mitchell: Yeah, and this one gets panicked if he's stuck in traffic for more than five minutes.
Phil: Guess it's just you and me.
Claire: Oh, hard pass, honey. In a confined space, you're just bouncing off the wall like Flubber.

Jay: [aside to camera] It's no secret my sister Becky and I have our differences.
Gloria: They haven't talked in nine years.
Jay: She's kind of a monster.
Gloria: I've only met her once, at our wedding. Imagine if you took all of Jay's worst qualities and wrapped them in a pantsuit.
Jay: But as soon as I heard she had a stroke, I knew I had to rush to her side.
Gloria: It happened three weeks ago.
Jay: Right in the middle of hockey playoffs! Typical Becky!

Mitchell: She doesn't remember I'm gay.
Cameron: Yeah, no, I know. I was here for the whole explanation.
Mitchell: This means I get to come out to her again. It was a disaster the first time. I was I was so wishy-washy about the whole thing that when I finally said, "I-I think I might be gay," she said, "Ew."
Cameron: Are you sure she didn't mean, "Ooh"?
Mitchell: No, no. It was followed up by a whole bunch of stuff about me making Jesus cry.
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: For 20 years, I've regretted that moment, and today, I get the chance to make it right.
Cameron: Or you could just leave a poor, old demented woman alone and not make her stroke all about you.
Mitchell: Why do I even bring you to these things?

Claire: Phil, that is my necklace. I lent it to her for Dad and Gloria's wedding, and she never gave it back. She said she lost it.
Phil: Claire, the woman just had a stroke.
Claire: When I graduated, my mother gave me a very special necklace, which I returned so I could get that necklace. I'm getting it back.

Gloria: What is this place?
Phil: I don't know. Let's just go back up. Oh, no. It's locked!
Gloria: Okay, call someone. I don't have a cellphone.
Cameron: Okay, well, I don't have any service.
Phil: I don't either. Guys, if we don't figure out a way to get out of here soon, we're never gonna make it to the escape room.

Claire: Hey, look who made you your favorite soup. Nothing like a familiar smell to bring back memories.
Jay: She ate.
Aunt Becky: I did? But I'm sort of hungry.
Jay: Well, feed a cold, starve a stroke.

Gloria: [shouting] Hey! Help! We're stuck in here!
Phil: Gloria, that didn't work five minutes ago, and it didn't work 10 minutes ago.
Gloria: Why can't they hear me? This vent has to go somewhere.
Phil: Gloria Maria Ramirez Delgado Pritchett, you are a genius.
Gloria: I know.

Phil: Let's "Die Hard" this puppy.