Cameron: And Manny, he's been missing a lot of kicks lately. He could cost us a game. I may have to bench him.
Mitchell: A coach has to do what's best for the team.
Cameron: Does family loyalty mean nothing to you, Mitchell? Not to mention I'd be facing the wrath of Jay and Gloria.
Mitchell: Well, then you should play him.
Cameron: And risk our perfect 3-0 record in my first year as the varsity football coach, when this could be a stepping-stone to a college job or who knows what else? You know, it's basically a Cinderella story.
Mitchell: Well, at least you have the outfit for it.

Cameron: You know what I could do is coach. You know, Manny's just in a slump. You know, he's lacking confidence. It's not gonna be easy, but I could pull this off.
Mitchell: That's what you said about the Cinderella costume, and two hours later, we were calling the auto club.

Gloria: You see what you do to him?
Jay: He's fine. Nerves are good. Just before a playoff game one time, I pulled out a whole eyebrow.

Mitchell: [on the phone] No. Someone's counting on you. This is about you and dad and how you just love being his toughy-tough little supergirl who never stays home sick, won a tennis tournament with a broken finger that she couldn't even hold up.
Claire: I'm holding it up now.
Mitchell: Daddy's approval is not the medicine that you need. Why don't you just call him and tell him that you can't take the meeting, old toughy-tough-super-tough?
Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you. Bye.
Mitchell: I love you, too.

Cameron: Okay, Manny, look, there's no easy way to tell you this.
Gloria: Hola, Manny!
Cameron: But, um I, uh, really like the way you're keeping your uniform clean.
Manny: Color-safe bleach, Coach.
Jay: You'll be fine during the game. Kick it like you kicked sugary drinks last summer.

Claire: [aside to camera] I'd already had Cam's clogged ears, my dad's bronchitis, and then there it was, right on schedule, Gloria's vertigo. Even I have my limits.

Claire: Call dad.
Phone: Paul Rudd is an American film and television actor.
Claire: Shut up. Call Dad!
Jay: [answering phone] Hey, honey. How you doing?
Claire: I'm at the hotel, and I'm really fighting this cold.
Jay: Well, then, that cold doesn't stand a chance, huh? Nothing stops my little Supergirl.
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: What's up?
Claire: Nothing. I just I wanted you to know that I'm on this, Dad.

Haley: Uh, I don't want to waste a Saturday night watching some video. Let's just stay home and rent a movie.

Phil: What am I gonna do? We have to show this thing in an hour!
Luke: You know what you'd tell me? Show the real video and take your lumps.
Phil: I don't wanna.
Luke: That's what I would say. And then you would tell me, "You might not want to do it, but you have to do what's right."And that will make you go from patient zero to patient hero."
Phil: Damn it, I've got a point. How does someone so smart sneeze on so many things?

Mitchell: Okay, Lily knows all the capitals.
Lily: Dad!
Mitchell: It's all right, honey. The first is Albany. Then there's...?
Sydney: Ohh! I thought you meant world capitals. Algeria, Algiers. Angola,
Mitchell: Oh. Well, you're just a little know-it-all, aren't ya? [Sydney starts to cry] Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I- Oh. Okay. Sydney, forget that I said that, okay, honey?
Sydney: I can't! I have a photographic memory!
Lily: You made my friend cry!