Mitchell: [aside to camera] Sydney Barrow, like my Lily, a gifted child, and, thanks to a little matchmaking, her new friend. Yeah, i- It can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child. I don't mean to brag, but that's why I didn't have any friends.

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hey, Claire. What's up?
Claire: My fever, you orange jackass.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay. So, obviously, you have my cold now. Everybody's first symptom seems to be hate.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For far too long, Lily's friends just haven't challenged her. It's been this endless procession of paste-eating, toilet-missing shoe-losers. But these two together. they raise each other's game.

Phil: Here I am right before the cake sneeze. It looks like I'm cracking up, right? So from here, we'll jump to a green-screen shot of you laughing, too. Then I'll take that and drop it into a pre-existing shot of a table full of people. Easy! And we are laughing. [Luke laughs] Bigger. [Luke laughs] Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider web. [Luke laughs] Nailed it! If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavored triaminic.

Phil: Okay, now I need some footage of me reacting to Jay's speech to replace the champagne sneeze, and I'll just drop that into another table full of people. How would I react to Jay's speech?
Luke: Give me "touched." Now sad. Sadder. Come on. Dig deep. Think about me going off to college. Why are you smiling?
Phil: Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.

Andy: I am such a goober sometimes. I was just confused about Beth, and I thought you were sending me some signals, which is so stupid. I hope I didn't, like, creep you out or something.
Haley: You shouldn't feel stupid. You know, you were vulnerable, I was at a wedding, everybody was super-gay, and nobody was looking at me. I probably did send you a signal.

Haley: Hey. So, uh, quick follow-up. Um, when you said I would be destroyed if we had kissed, what exactly did you mean by that?
Andy: Oh, gosh. I guess that is confusing, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I just meant that you would've been emotionally ruined.
Haley: What?!
Andy: Yeah. I don't understand it myself, but there's a lot of heat coming off of this. Girls do not get over this guy. I'm not calling myself a drug, but...
Haley: I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up with you, like, 10 times? She's dying to get back with me, though. I wouldn't say it's withdrawal, but-
Haley: For the record, guys don't get over me, okay? At last count, I have three stalkers. One of them has my face spray-painted on his van. I had to stand there forever while he did it!

Lily: I know you sneezed on the cake.
Phil: No one likes a know-it-all!

Phil: Kiss for good luck?
Claire: Oh, no! I'm not getting you sick. This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciate the back rub. Not sure I love being called "Miss Thang."
Phil: No!

Phil: It's six hours to the screening, and I have to edit out all those sneezes without ruining Jay's speech. That means special effects, that means overlapping green screen. What am I saying?! It's impossible!
Luke: [slaps Phil] I'm sorry, Dad.
Phil: No, you're right. It's time to stop whining like a little girl and man up! Let's put on our unitards!