Claire: I'm sorry I went behind your back. But you get so defensive whenever we talk about Luke's issues.
Phil: He doesn't have issues. You're just a worrier. Like when you thought he was never gonna talk.
Claire: He was two, and all he could do was bark.
Phil: I understood him.

Phil: Look, he starts coming here, the other kids find out, he becomes a target like that limping gazelle at the watering hole that the alligator knows to eat.
Claire: Crocodiles. Not alligators. There are no alligators in Africa.
Phil: How about the zoo? Bam! Who needs a shrink now?

Claire: [aside to camera] I knew the minute I opened my mouth that I was in the wrong. But honestly, sometimes I wonder about him.
[flashback:]
Luke: Hey, Mom. Check it out.
Claire: What are you doing?
Luke: If I move my head fast enough, it looks like the can is standing still.
Phil: He's totally right.

Cameron: Oh, my God!
Mitchell: Gloria, what did you do?
Gloria: What I told you.
Cameron: You pierced her ears?
Gloria: What I said. I was going to make her pretty with earrings.
Mitchell: I thought you said "hair rings."
Gloria: What are hair rings?
Cameron: Yes, Mitchell, what are hair rings?
Mitchell: Something that would tie your hair back- She said it.
Gloria: I didn't say hair rings. I said earrings!

Gloria: You don't like?
Cameron: Of course not. You punctured our daughter.
Gloria: But did you see both sides? I didn't just do the gay ear. Look.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.

Claire: What an amazing kid. I can't believe I ever worried about him out in the world. It's just- That's what I do, though, isn't it? I worry. I worry. I think about a tiny little thing, and then I obsess on it until suddenly it's the only thing I can think about. God, please don't let me screw up our son.
Phil: Hey. Hey. You know why else he's gonna be okay?
Claire: No.
Phil: Because somewhere out there is a worried little girl who's making lists and labeling bins, and he's gonna find her.

Cameron: Mitchell and I have decided that if, God forbid, anything should happen to us-
Mitchell: We don't have to do this right now.
Cameron: No. We would like Jay and Gloria to be Lily's guardians.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: It's the right decision.
Gloria: Ah! That is great news! Lily, when something horrible happens you're going to be all mine!
Mitchell: It really is an "if" situation.
Gloria: All mine!

Luke: Dad, I'm gonna teach myself how to juggle.
Phil: Good for you, buddy.
Alex: Mom! No one heard me screaming? I've been trapped in the garage for, like, 20 minutes!
Claire: And yet still you didn't get the rat traps I sent you for. Thank you. Honey! It's doing it again!
Phil: Come on now! Every morning?
Haley: I hope the whole house burns down!
Mitchell: Did we come at a bad time?
Claire: Come back in seven years and five months, when they're all gone!

Cameron: [on the phone, loudly] So, Mama, you're good for coal? Okay! Okay, well, bundle up! We don't want to lose you! Yeah, bye! They're in the middle of a terrible blizzard.
Jay: So you shouted.
Manny: Did they really lose two cows?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. Frozen solid. Mama's gonna send pictures.
Mitchell: Oh, yay, a reason to stop by the frame store.

Jay: Manny, I gotta get you down to that sporting goods place. Gotta get him some stuff for his weekend outing.
Manny: Ready!
Jay: Did you pee?
Manny: Not ready.