Gloria: Phil! Phil? Phil, where are you? I want to show you how Libby's hair and blood got on my car. [bushes rustling] I can hear the rustling in the bushes.
Phil: [imitates sheep bleating]
Gloria: Why would a sheep be here? [rings Phil]
Phil: [cellphone rings] Hey, you.
Gloria: You know that this whole thing with Libby is really your fault.
Phil: I know! I know! I-I pushed you too far, but it was only because I thought you were a special talent and I was just trying to pull the best out of you, but I blew it! I blew it, and you snapped.
Gloria: You thought I snapped like that crazy TV show and I ran over Libby, and that's why you're hiding in the bushes like a sheep?
Phil: Well, now it just seems like you're cherry-picking what happened today to cast me in the worst possible light.

Gloria: Okay, so, then what does the intern have to do?
Phil: Well, you'll be making my appointments, uh, you'll work the phones...
Gloria: Oh, I am great with the phones. [British accent] 'Ello, Phil Dunphy's office. Oh, let me look at his shed-yool and I will ring you back. Tally-ho.
Phil: Flawless.

Jay: Gloria, I'm back! You wouldn't believe how cheap cargo shorts are in Quebec. All our Christmas shopping is done. Gloria?
Bridget: Hello.
Jay: Hi. Did... Could you always talk?
Bridget: I'm Bridget, your new smart fridge. Can I get you anything?
Jay: No, thank you. Uh, Bridget, listen, I'm sure you're very nice and all that, but I don't need everything to be smart. I'm gonna go get a dumb Scotch, eat some dumb peanuts, sit in a dumb chair. [10 minutes later] I was a wonderful dancer, I was, but it didn't fit what my dad wanted for me.

Cameron: Say hello to the Revelation 3000, the most advanced smart fridge on the market.
Mitchell: Something tells me we can't afford to see Diana Ross at Pechanga anymore.
Cameron: Ooh, here's the best part. You ready? Hello, Bridget.
Bridget: Hello, how can I help?
Cameron: [chuckles] Bridget is the A.I. assistant that will help organize our groceries and our lives.

Mitchell: Speaking of gossip... Did you hear about Pepper and Ronaldo?
Cameron: No, what?
Mitchell: Word is, they recently invited a third party into their relationship.
Cameron: [gasps] Who is he?
Mitchell: You mean, who is she. Yeah! Yeah.
Cameron: [gasps] How?! I didn't even know they knew any women!
Mitchell: Apparently, they met her on an experimental dating site called "Let's Just See What Happens."

Mitchell: [to Cameron] I also have a busy day, thank you for asking.
Bridget: Busy day? Would it be helpful if I ordered some of your favorite groceries?
Mitchell: You... You can do that? Thank you... Bridget. Thank you, Bridget.
Bridget: Did I hear you say you need more pepper?
Mitchell: Oh, no, Pepper's just a friend. And if Cam wasn't in such a rush to get out of here, we'd be talking about what an insane thing he's doing. Almost as insane as talking to an appliance.
Bridget: You mentioned a third party?
Mitchell: Yeah, honestly, who just meets someone online and then invites them into their house?

Gloria: ...and then I would show the client comparable sales from the past year.
Phil: Hmm. The assignment was to present a compelling sales pitch, not bore me with endless real-estate clichés. What gives, Mrs... Mrs. Pritchett?
Gloria: Oh, I didn't... What would you...?
Phil: [babbling] I'm sorry, are... are... are those sentences?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Why so harsh? Because Gloria's gift is that special. A generational real-estate talent. I have to push her that hard. She wants me to. All the great ones do.
[separately to camera:]
Gloria: [crying] Phil is so mean to me.

Libby: Civil Code 1101.1 requires plumbing re-installment of all residential properties built before 1994.
Phil: Yes! Someone is paying attention.
Libby: It's hard not to. Your rap-lectures on property codes are both informative and funky. Oh, I noticed that you lost your mug, so I just went ahead, got you a new one.
Gloria: Plastic? She must hate the sea turtles.

Phil: Okay, before we break for lunch, uh, just a brief reminder... I will be rewarding this quarter's top student with an unpaid, uncredited internship.
Libby: Yes!
Phil: I'll tally the final grades and post the winner tomorrow.
Ike: [coughs] Who cares!
Phil: Thank you, Ike.

Claire: You know, if you wanted a different angle, we could, uh, go over to the chess board here. I'm playing remotely with a Russian grand master.