‘Send Out the Clowns’
Season 3, Episode 18 - Aired March 14, 2012
Cameron reunites with his former clown partner, Lewis, at the funeral service for their beloved mentor. A notorious real estate poacher tries to pull a listing out from under Phil's feet. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria are puzzled when a popular kid is suddenly friends with Manny.
Quote from Phil
Phil: There you are, buddy. Check it out. They're giving away free jelly beans. Hey, Mitzi.
Mitzi Roth: Dunphy. You have a very nice kid there.
Phil: He's mine.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Ladies and germs, boys and girls, say hello to my good friend Little Fizbo! Hello, big people!
All:Hi!
Cameron: Let's get this party started! Wow, all this dancing sure has made me hungry! Wish I had something to eat! Oh, forgot I had that fish over there. Don't know why he's so mad at me! He was fine just a minute ago. Ohh! Okay! Somebody's a little punchy today! Oh. Hey. What's the frying pan doing here? When did we add a frying pan to the act? We don't need-- Nope! Don't need the frying pan! Why are you doing that? Stop doing that.
Lewis: Screw you, you traitor.
Cameron: Ow! That hurts! Seriously, stop it!
Lewis: Know what hurts? Abandonment. Listen to 'em laughing. We could have been something. We could have been some- I can't do this bit by myself!
Cameron: Somebody! Somebody! This isn't pretend! Someone grab an adult, please!
Quote from Luke
Phil: And there she is. What are you gonna hit?
Luke: College, balloon payment, greatest dad ever.
Phil: Nice. Do you want me to squirt some tears in your eyes?
Luke: Dad, please. I was fake crying before I could walk. How do you think I got out of eating all those salads?
Quote from Phil
Claire: I can't believe you got that listing back!
Phil: Sweetheart! Honey! Honey?
Claire: Mm-hmm?
Phil: Ding?
Claire: You sure you wanna ding a chatterbox?
Phil: Honey. Buddy, quick, what's the trick to those fake tears?
Luke: The three stooges are all dead.
Phil: Yeah, that's good.
Quote from Claire
Claire: Well, it looks like somebody likes Coldplay.
Haley: Mm. Right. You saw.
Claire: Did you see the pictures I posted from Thanksgiving? Totes adorbs.
Haley: I'm going to kill myself.
Claire: You gotta check out my wall. Right there.
Haley: "Spring break, 1990, New Orleans." Is that you?
Claire: What? Some guy from your college tagged you in a picture.
Claire: What is "tagging"? What is "tagging"?
Alex: Why are you drinking out of a funnel?
Haley: And why is his hand on your-?
Claire: Untag it! Un- Untag it! Girls, I'm serious! Untag it! Tear down the wall.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Could I talk to you for a second?
Lewis: Uh-oh. Trouble in queer-a-dise. Okay, look, gonna go out to the car for smokes. [exits]
Mitchell: Please tell me "smokes" is not another clown, 'cause I don't think I could handle another one of him.
Quote from Cameron
Lewis: I forgot the ladder. You know what? I'll remember it next weekend.
Cameron: What's next weekend?
Lewis: We got a town fair in Thousand Oaks and a birthday party in Pasadena.
Cameron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I can't do that.
Lewis: W-what do you mean? I'm the one with outstanding warrants in Pasadena.