Mitchell: Okay, it was my mother's last wish that one of us take her, and Claire doesn't want her. What do you want me to do?
Cameron: Well, what do you want me to do? The farm has been in my family for years. You know, I'm next in line, and you know Daddy. H-He's slowing down.
Mitchell: Your mother just sent us a video of him winning a log-rolling contest.
Cameron: Only in his age group, and he was so spent the next day, he slept through his first rooster crow and his snooze rooster crow.

Cameron: Just admit it. You have no intention of keeping your promise of moving to Missouri.
Mitchell: You know what? You're right. I... I can't ever imagine myself living on that farm. I'm sorry.
Cameron: Well, there it is. I'm just glad E.T. didn't land at your house.

Haley: Hey, what the hell? Break it up.
Alex: Luke's not playing fair.
Haley: Yeah, well, you make him feel dumb, and he acts like it doesn't bother him, but it does. And, Luke, you know better than to mess with someone so uptight. What do we always say?
Luke: Don't break Alex. She's our safety net.
Haley: Now, you both need to calm down. Luke, walk it off.

Alex: Haley, what's going on with you today? Are you okay?
Haley: [sniffles] Okay, um... So, no one else knows, especially Mom and Dad, so you can't tell anybody, but... I'm pregnant.
Luke: [emerging from toy box] You're pregnant?
Haley: Damn it, Luke!

Haley: I'm gonna be a horrible mother.
Alex: Okay, first, it's just a doll. And you've been taking care of us our whole lives.
Luke: Yeah. Remember how you used to pick out my first day of school outfit so I wouldn't get beat up?
Alex: Or how you'd hold the book while I read myself a bedtime story? And you're still doing it. You just swooped in and handled our fight like a pro. And you're understanding and loving and a total badass.
Luke: She's right. You're the kind of person that can patch things up if, say, Alex ever found out that I re-arranged the stickers on her Rubik's Cube.
Alex: You son of a...
Luke: Aah! Hair, hair! Haley, help!

Phil: I mean, how would you feel about driving around in the sweet ride I lost my virginity in?
Claire: Do you really think you can track down the ox cart from the Renaissance fair?
Phil: I only got to second base in the ox cart.

Claire: If it makes you uncomfortable, we can sell the car.
Phil: Really?
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Thank you.
Claire: But for what it's worth, I don't want to keep it because I had so much great sex in it.
Phil: So much?
Claire: No, it's because of what happened the next day. My mom, ugh, she found the condom wrapper under the seat, and it must have freaked her out. But instead of shaming me or... or embarrassing me with some long, awful lecture, she was cool. She wanted to make sure that I was okay with everything and that it had all been a good experience. But... [sighs] Wow. That must be why she wanted me to have the car. That talk meant as much to my mom as it did to me.

Phil: I like where this is going.
Claire: I'm gonna make you the best sex I ever had in this car.
Phil: That's a lot of pressure. Let's aim for top three.

Jay: Gloria. I have something to say.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: My approach cost me a phone and a second visit from the plumber, so I decided to try Jerry's advice and give Gloria a heartfelt, sincere apology. How hard could that be to fake?
[back:]
Jay: I was wrong to chase off your cousins. I'm sorry that I didn't take your feelings into consideration. You deserve to be respected. What I should've said was I love you, so I love your family. Please forgive me for my rude behavior.

Gloria: You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna go to that butcher shop that you like. And, if Jerry doesn't mind, I'm gonna buy you a beautiful steak for dinner.
Jerry: Hey, it's your house. You do what's best for you. Come to my house, I'm going to be nude.
Gloria: We're never going to go to your house, Jerry.