Jay: Jerry, you're a genius. This is life-changing.
Jerry: What did I tell you?
Jay: I wish I had tried this years ago. This would've made my life with Dede downright tolerable. Who knows? Maybe we even could've been happy.
Jerry: I'm glad you think so. But I'm not the one you need to tell.

Jerry: You done?
Jay: Yeah, I think so.
Jerry: Mind if I say a word?
Jay: She's all yours.
Jerry: Jay was a big man. He apologized to his wife. And do you know what she did? She apologized back! Did you ever do that even once?! I apologized to you a thousand times, and you let me just eat it. Well, I'm tired of telling you you're always right, 'cause guess what? That dolphin did not recognize you. Your haikus had too many syllables. And trust me, vegans do need deodorant!
Jay: All right. Come on. Come on, kid. Let me buy you a nice steak.

Claire: We were, um, just cleaning out the garage.
Mitchell: Mm, nice try. We heard everything.
Cameron: Yeah, although around the finish line, we kind of lost track of who was who.
Mitchell: I can't believe Mom caught you having sex in her car again.