Claire: [aside to camera] We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can mean only one of two things. Either she's gonna be valedictorian or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.
Claire: We're very proud of Alex.

Phil: What is it with these two?
Nina: I agree with them. Ties are un-American. Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie?
Phil: Yes! There'd be twice as many parades.

Vish There must be some way to determine who the best student is.
Principal Brown: Unfortunately, all the final exams and the papers are in. Grades are closed.
Alex: Not all the grades.
[cut to:]
Cameron: [spins around] Well, well, well. Looks like the janitor finally fixed my chair.

Jay: What are the last two states to be admitted into the Union?
Gloria: Alaska and Hawaii.
Jay: Name two cabinet-level positions.
Gloria: That's easy. There's a higher one for the glasses and a lower one for the pots and the pans.
Jay: Hey, don't get cocky. When we started studying for this you thought the secretary of defense job was to guard "da fence."

Javier: Cow? Cow? The woman who's abandoning her country cannot remember the Spanish word for "cow."
Gloria: It slipped my mind!
Jay: Vaca. There's a taco truck parked outside my office.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Longinus and Jotham do this all the time. They- They guilt us into doing something and then they bail.
Cameron: They did it at Pepper's New Year's Steve party.
Mitchell: Yeah, everybody had to dress as a famous Steve.
Cameron: Steve Austin.
Mitchell: Steve Martin.
Cameron: They bailed, and we got stuck in a room full of Sondheims.
Mitchell: [singsong] How are you doing? My name is Steve.

Waitress: Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cell phone inside.
Mitchell: Thank you. See, uh, before you guys got here, we went in there and we demanded a refund for our gift cards.
Cameron: Yes, we went into the belly of the beast.
Mitchell: Yes, we did.
Waiter: Sir, you forgot your food to go.
Cameron: Thank you.
Jotham: And fed your bellies.
Longinus: How could you?
Cameron: Okay, before you get all superior we hadn't eaten since breakfast.
Longinus: It's a quarter to 1:00.
Cameron: That's what I'm saying.

Jay: Look, complaining about a line at an airport is easier than admitting the truth about why I want you to become a citizen. I guess it still bothers me that you have all these ties to Javier.
G;What ties? What are you talking about?
Jay: Gloria Delgado-Pritchett. You still have his last name. You're both Colombians. When you and I come back to the country we have to wait in separate lines like we're not even in the same family. I don't know. I guess I just thought that if you committed to America in some weird way, you'd be recommitting to me. That's the longest you've ever been quiet, and it's terrifying.

Jackie: The United States government has how many branches?
Gloria: Three.
Jackie: Correct. What color are the stars on the American flag?
Gloria: White, but I feel like it's my duty to tell you that you have a flag right behind you so probably you need to ask me another question.
Jackie: No need. Congratulations. You passed.
Gloria: What? That's it? Two questions? And I have a cheat flag? That's all it takes?
Jackie: Yep. You'll get an official letter in the mail with the details of your oath ceremony.
Gloria: Do you know how long I've been studying for this? You're robbing me of the feeling of achievement. Ask me another question, and a hard one this time.
Jackie: But you already passed-
Gloria: Do it.
Jackie: Okay. How many members of Congress are there?
Gloria: You know what? It's too late. You already said that I passed.

Gloria: Hola, Javier.
Jay: How was Take Your Son To Not Work Day?
Javier: How was life before radio?