Manny: But you also shouldn't worry about what Dad thinks. I think you should become a citizen because even back when we were alone in our apartment this is what you always wanted.
Gloria: Remember sitting by the window, watching reruns of Miami Vice on the neighbor's TV and all the bad guys were caught and all the policemen had all those nice cars?
Manny: We used to watch that and think what an amazing country this was.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Did a little research. If Mom isn't a citizen when Jay "moves on to a better place", we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate tax. I don't wanna sound insensitive but I have acquired a real taste for truffles.

Nina: May the best child win.
Phil: Oh, she will. Consider this moment gauntleted. Is that a word?
Claire: Hold your head up like it is. Vocabulary is mostly a matter of confidence.

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.
Gloria: Jumping beans are Mexican.
Jay: Once you're an American you won't see the difference.

Gloria: I'm so excited. Do you know that once I pass, I can serve on a jury? They still use the electric chair, right?

Jay: Javier got to you, didn't he?
Gloria: No. Maybe a little bit.
Jay: Gloria, don't listen to him. Get rid of that squirrel stew. I got a few special things here to help celebrate you becoming an American. Look. Kobe steaks. Bottle of scotch. Cigars.
Gloria: You know that none of that is made in America.
Jay: Buying them all was the American part.

Claire: Doesn't the timing seem a little suspicious to you?
Alex: Maybe, but he seemed really genuine.
Phil: Classic psychological warfare. I've dealt with it in elite competitions. I didn't realize it happened outside of cheerleading.

Cameron: We're just trying to make it in this world raise our daughter, get her to her soccer game.
Jotham: Not Youth Soccer Federation. Because if it's Youth Soccer Federation I don't wanna know.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! You know what? Sh-Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on you. You are no better than the people in that restaurant. Come on, Cam. Let's go. Come on. Think they bought it?
Cameron: Keep your head up. Don't look back. Being right is mostly confidence.

Alex: Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I let him get in my head. Oh, he is going down. Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best. Enjoy your Hydrox cookies and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!

Cameron: Okay, Lily. I got the list of what you need for your project. Uh, glitter glue, glitter dots, glitter paper.
Lily: Mrs. Daniels says my projects have too much glitter.
Cameron: Okay, well, she needs a Mr. Daniels because a project can't have too much pizzazz.
Mitchell: It's a report on the potato famine.
Cameron: I'm- I'm sorry. Do Irish tears not sparkle?

Cameron: [aside to camera] All we know is the Jai Alai Lounge has the single best burger in the country if not the universe.
Mitchell: The Jai Alai burger is one-fourth pound-
Cameron: One-third.
Mitchell: Prime Angus fresh, crispy lettuce
Cameron: Butter lettuce.
Mitchell: A sauce delivered from heaven
Cameron: From Kansas City.
Mitchell: All on a perfectly toasted fresh-baked bun.
Cameron: With sesame seeds. I wanted to have it as our wedding cake.
Mitchell: Maybe for your next one.