Claire: Give me a break, Phil!
Phil: What do you want from me?!
Haley: Shh!
Alex: I didn't say anything.
Claire: A little compassion when you thought I was pregnant would have been nice!
Phil: I'm sorry. It was a knee-jerk reaction.
Claire: You got that half right!
Phil: Well, you're not pregnant, anyway, so who cares?! And what did I say that was so terrible?!
Claire: Well, I believe your exact words were, "Ggreat, another kid that we can screw up."
Phil: Oh, well, I'm sorry, but we both know it's true.
Claire: Wait, are you saying that we never should have had them in the first place?
Phil: Like you never said that!

Alex: This is awful. Is this what you thought was gonna happen?
Haley: I can't think that far ahead. I never do. You know that. You should've stopped me!

Claire: Please, Phil! If you hadn't gotten me pregnant, I never would have married you! I would have married Bobby Nash!
Phil: You would?!
Claire: Oh, yeah! And right now, I would be on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen with my strapping...
Phil: You really wish you'd married Bobby?
Claire: Oh, every single day! [Phil walks off] No, Phil.

Cameron: Quick! We need a blow dryer!
Jay: Is this some sort of gay emergency?
Mitchell: No, Dad, it's not a gay emergency! It's my comic book.

Jay: Whatever. I'm just saying keep it small. Why pay all that money for people you barely know?
Mitchell: Oh, oh, you mean like any of your friends?
Jay: Oh, please, you don't want any of my friends there.
Mitchell: Really? Because I've- I've been asking for a list for months now.
Mitchell: So, so who doesn't want them there, me or you?
Jay: Why are you getting upset?
Mitchell: Because, Dad, if- If this was Claire's wedding, you would be all over it. You'd be wanting to have it at your club. You'd be inviting all your friends.
Jay: Oh, please! I wasn't that thrilled when Claire got married, either.
Gloria: "Either"? For God's sake, just stop talking.

Jay: Everybody back off. I don't think I'm out of line suggesting my friends don't want to see a father-son dance at a big gay wedding.
Mitchell: There is no father-son dance, dad.
Jay: I don't know what things go on there. Do I walk you down the aisle? Does someone throw a bouquet? I mean, I'm just saying, I don't know how this stuff plays out with my guys from the club.
Mitchell: Oh, you mean the guys who sit around the locker room watching football naked? No! No! See, this- This isn't about them. This is about you. You are the one that's uncomfortable here.
Jay: Fine. I admit it. This whole wedding thing is weird to me.
Mitchell: Wow.
Jay: Now, see, why do you get to be you, but I don't get to be me? See, I didn't choose to be uncomfortable. I was born this way.
Mitchell: Are you really throwing a gay anthem in our face right now?
Jay: Oh, damn it. Give me some credit. You know how far I've come. I mean, what more do you want from me? You know what, dad?
Mitchell: Y-you do. You do get to be you. If- If it really makes you that uncomfortable, then don't come to the wedding.

Claire: Phil, honey, what happened down there?
Phil: You attacked me.
Claire: In a fun way. We were both doing it.
Phil: I heard you this morning, talking about your super-cute boyfriend Bobby, saying that I was the "comfortable" choice, that you only married me because your dad hated it.
Claire: No, sweetheart. I was not talking about you. I was explaining to the girls about an outfit that I was wearing in a picture that was the comfortable choice that my dad hated. Oh, honey. You can't possibly think that's why I married you.

Phil: Sometimes I do wonder, you know, if you hadn't gotten pregnant...
Claire: Would we even be here right now?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Well, I wonder the same thing, too.
Phil: You do?
Claire: Yes. All the time. Just last week, you and the kids were outside washing the car, and you got in that soap battle and everybody was running around laughing. And I stood there at the kitchen window, and I was thinking how lucky I am. 'Cause I would have missed all of this if I hadn't married you.
Phil: I knew you were watching. That's why I dropped the sponge.
Claire: That's what got my attention in the first place.

Claire: I liked how happy you were when you thought I was pregnant.
Phil: Of course I was.
Claire: Do you think you could pick that up for me?
Phil: I don't know. It's so far down here. [Phil bends over]
Claire: Schwing!

Haley: See? I told you they were gonna be fine. [lock clicks]
Alex: Door lock!
Luke: Run!
Haley: Go! Go! Go! Go!
Alex: Ew, ew, ew.