Jay: That a skateboard down there?
Manny: The second thing that slipped right out from under me today.
Jay: Okay, time to get out.
Manny: The first was my childhood.
Jay: I get it!

Gloria: I am so sick of stubborn men. You, you act like a little boy that doesn't want to accept that he's wrong. And you like a sad old man that doesn't want to be happy! That's it! [shoots pool inflatable]
Manny: You could have shot me!
Gloria: Come on, Manny. I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I wanted to. Now come here or sink! And I'm taking this with me in the car.
Jay: Vamonos.

Gloria: Tell me the truth, Jay. Did you put the key in my bag?
Jay: No.
Gloria: I won't be mad.
Jay: In order to prove a point, I may have-
Gloria: I knew it!
Jay: Oh! Ow! Why did I get you such a big watch?
Gloria: Why, Jay? What point do you have to prove?
Jay: I'm trying to teach you to be organized. Your mind is scattered, Gloria.
Gloria: Your mind is gonna be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!

Manny: They say it's going to be a rainy weekend.
Jay: They don't know.
Manny: I do. My knee's been singing all morning.

Phil: I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.
Haley: Our lives?
Phil: You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says "Just listen to me.
I'm always right."
Haley: You mean her face?
Phil: Now we're getting this. If we're right this one time, then we never have to be right again. When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil," I say, "Manny's birthday."
Alex: "Take a jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna rain."
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: Don't look at me. Look at the road.
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: No, Dad, look at the road! There's a truck!
Phil: Sweet baby Jesus!

Manny: Good afternoon. Thanks for coming. It's so nice to spend my birthday surrounded by so many smiling faces. I was almost too depressed to come today. I realized I let my childhood slip away.

Claire: Come on, everybody! We're gonna be late for Manny's birthday. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Luke: I'm ready, Mom.
Claire: You sure, honey?
Luke: Yup.
Claire: Wanna take a quick peek at your feet?
Luke: Oh, come on, Luke.

Mitchell: Are you gonna walk faster, or should I get Lily's stroller out of the car and push you?
Cameron: Would you relax? The restaurant's five minutes away from here. Oh, free lotion.
Mitchell: Stop stopping to smell the roses.

Phil: Claire, relax. It takes 15 minutes to get there.
Claire: It takes 20 minutes.
Phil: If we take your route.
Claire: My way is the most direct.
Phil: Directly into traffic.
Claire: Your way is directly into the... suckiest way.
Phil: You wanna make this interesting?
Haley: Yeah, I don't think that's possible.

Phil: We take two cars and see who gets there first.
Claire: Fine. Fine. Let's do that. It's on.
Phil: Yeah! It is on. I'll take the girls.
Claire: Luke, your dad and I are splitting up.
Luke: Why?
Alex: Another one of their stupid arguments.
Luke: Okay. I'll go with Dad.