Gloria: Why are you swimming in your clothes?
Jay: Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.
Manny: It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.
Jay: Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.
Gloria: Seriously? Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool, but the dog gets swimming lessons?
Manny: I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.

Jay: We have to teach Stella how to swim. Otherwise, she could drown.
Gloria: Why don't you teach her not to jump in the pool?
Jay: She didn't jump in the pool. She fell in the pool. Why, suddenly, would she jump in the pool when she doesn't know how to swim?
Gloria: Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing. It is never going to play with you.
Jay: Are you saying that Stella is stupid?
Gloria: Are you covering her ears?

Claire: Okay. If elected, I would consider all opinions and not ignore those of the opposition, as councilman Bailey has done for six terms. [horn honks] What? That was a great answer.
Haley: Well, I couldn't hear it because you were showing me the bad side of your face.
Claire: I have a bad side?
Haley: Yeah, the left.
Phil: No. It's the right.
Haley: Uh, Dad, it's totally the left. I mean, look at it.
Phil: Sweetheart, why do you think I chose my side of the bed?

Phil: Why'd you bring Stella?
Manny: She keeps getting out and jumping in the pool. We don't wanna take any chances because she can't swim.
Alex: Then why does she keep jumping in the pool?
Jay: I've been thinking about it. I got a theory. She might be suicidal.
Gloria: What? That's crazy. There's not such thing as doggy suicide.

Duane: Hi. Duane Bailey. Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear. In addition to being a public servant, I'm also an award-winning breeder of puggles. I've won the puggly. Twice. And I'm afraid that doggy suicide is all too real. It's just the mainstream media doesn't report on it, 'cause it's not as sexy as feline A.I.D.S.
Gloria: Stella is not suicidal. She's just stupid.
Duane: Well, that might be part of your problem. She senses you don't like her.
Jay: You have no idea. This one's been against this little angel from the very beginning.
Duane: Yeah, well, dogs pick up on that. You know, they're very sensitive. I like to call them, um, bottomless pits of need. But not to their face, though. That would just destroy them.

Lily: I wanna watch aunt Claire!
Mitchell: Okay. Well, first, honey, we need to talk about something. It's about that word you said this morning.
Lily: What word?
Mitchell: You know, the one that starts with "f"?
Lily: "Flower"?
Mitchell: No.
Lily: "Fruit"?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: If she doesn't remember it, we shouldn't remind her. Oh, well, she said it three times.
Lily: Oh, you mean [bleep]
Mitchell: Cam, leave the room!
Cameron: [stifling laughter] No. I can do this.

Claire: No, sir, he was looking for me, his wife, and he walked into the wrong room.
Duane: If you believe that, I have some talking puggles I'd like to sell you.
Haley: Do you believe this?
Luke: Talking dogs? I'm skeptical.

Claire: I am glad that my opponent brought this up, as I feel that it speaks to his character more than mine. I think that we should raise the level of discourse and get back to the issues that the voters really care about.
Man: When he was naked, what were you wearing?
Claire: I don't think that's relevant.
Woman: Are you sex freaks?
Claire: My personal life has nothing to do with this. Uh... The... My opponent has brought this up to distract from his own record, which shows that in- in six years, he has achieved nothing more than writing one ordinance that allows private parties to have more than eight dogs. Hmm. Hmm.
Jay: It's like watching the "hindenburg."
Gloria: This is the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Phil: Excuse me!
Jay: Stand by.

Phil: I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, um... I mean with their wives. Not me, them. Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing. But it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going. First of all, no charges were filed. Everyone had a good laugh -about the situation, not- not about me. Everything's fine down there. Anywhoo, Where were we?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: All over YouTube. We went viral.
Phil: Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.

Phil: [auto-tuned video] I Like a lot of men in this town I enjoy making love to my wife-- wife and I don't know how to stop. I am a pervert. Pervert-- per...