Mitchell: Okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be, romcom or horror? Or we can do both and watch "Maid in Manhattan." Whatcha doing?
Cameron: Canceling our baby.

Cameron: I know party planning isn't your thing.
Lily: Wow.
Mitchell: You need to trust me, Cam.
Cameron: I know, and I do. It's not like you're gonna do anything tired, like appletinis or ice sculptures. Or synthetic napkins or anything mylar.

Cameron: You know orange is over, right?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yeah, just a simple party. I'm simply taking Cam's favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz," and turning our house into an Oz-themed extravaganza. Yellow brick carpet, waitstaff in full costume, and custom-made Ruby slippers for Cam. Whassup?!

Manny: So is this safe?
Luke: It's a trapeze.
Phil: Relax. More people are killed by knife-wielding strangers than from trapezing.
Manny: I'm thinking about going home now.

Jay: Well, let me make a suggestion. Why don't you sit down, I send you over a beer, my wife and I watch from over there? That way, everybody enjoys the game. Except me, 'cause I prefer a game where something happens.

Jay: I get the impression you're disappointed I didn't punch that guy.
Gloria: Of course not. Who needs all that manly, protect-your-woman stuff?
Jay: No, see, like, right there. You're saying one thing, but it feels like you mean the opposite.
Gloria: No.
Jay: That's a "yes."
Gloria: Look, Jay, I just came to watch the game. I don't want to fight.
Jay: Neither do I.
Gloria: I know.

Phil: Buddy, what's wrong?
Manny: Yes, you've been a little off all morning.
Luke: I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. My head's all foggy, and I'm kind of emotional.
Phil: Oh. Well, I sure hope you feel better soon 'cause you really need your wits about you when you're trapezing.

Claire: [aside to camera] Why does he do that? Every month. Yeah, I get a little moody, but unrelenting physical discomfort will do that to a person. Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy makes them crazy?

Party Planner: Okay, we have a few options. I can get you the back room at Amelia's.
Mitchell: Spilled juice on the owner's white rug and almost killed her toddler. Next.