Phil: Honey, are you okay?
Claire: I'm fine. I'm watching- It's so sad.
Phil: Oh, no. Not today.
Luke: What's wrong?
Phil: Nothing. No, your mom's just, uh, feeling emotional.
Luke: She was like this last month and the month before and the month before.

Haley: What?! I could kill someone! No, I can't hear you! This stupid phone gets no reception in this stupid house! Aah!
Phil: Dear God, no.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I'd heard rumors. Yeah, we all had. That females living or working in close quarters could eventually get on the same cycle. But I always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of submarine corps.

Alex: This isn't milk. What's wrong with me today? My brain's not working right.
Phil: No!

Phil: [aside to camera] It happened. Satan's trifecta. The day I most dreaded has fallen on the day I most love.

Luke: They're gonna ruin trapezing. I bet they don't even catch me.
Manny: Why are you so afraid of them? They're reasonable. Why don't we just suggest they stay home, considering they're all on their menst-
Phil: Shh! The first rule of dealing with the cycle: You never mention the cycle. You tiptoe around it. The woman's actually taken great pains to hide the monster she's become. But if you acknowledge it, that brings the monster forth.
Luke: My God. And there's three of them.
Phil: It's okay. I have a plan. It's kind of traditional for people to lean in when somebody says, "I have a plan."

Gloria: Goal! Goal! You should call your country "The Never-lands" - because you're never-
Dutch Guy: Ja, because we are never going to win. You said that a billion times. Just go home.

Claire: What is going on, Luke?
Luke: Dad staged the whole thing so we could go on the trapeze without you three.
Claire: Why?
Luke: Because B- Because- Because of this! You're all monster-ating!

Claire: Phil! Is this what you've been teaching our son? That- That women are some kind of unclean lepers that should be hidden away under sheets for a week? Do you have any idea how offensive that is?
Phil: I do, honey. And from the bottom of my heart, I am so... scared.

Phil: Yeah, I made a mistake today. But only because the three of you ganged up on me like when the Wolfman, Dracula, and Frankenstein show up in the same movie, except this wasn't awesome! I have been on an emotional roller coaster all day today. I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm afraid, and now I can't even think straight because I'm in so much pain from what just happened over there! And the whole thing makes me so sad, and I'm not even sure why, and I'm nauseous from that smell but I'm so hungry.