Jay: Well, listen, I wasn't feeling great about myself tonight and you helped get me out of that funk. And it wouldn't be right for me to let you leave feeling bad.
Martin: Oh.
Jay: You're a great guy and the reason I turned you down is because... [chuckles] It's much harder to say out loud than I thought. I'm- I'm not gay.
Martin: You're straight?
Cameron: Who's what? What's happening?
Jay: Whoa, it feels good to finally tell someone. For four hours, I've been living in fear that I'd be found out. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Right.

Martin: Hello, Cameron. I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair spray.
Cameron: Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
Martin: Could you do that thing you did last year where you lose and then you try and throw a chair but not realize it's bolted down and wrench your back and then curse at me while I wave a trophy in your big red face? Could you?
Cameron: [laughs] Boy, look at you. You're all worked up. It must have been a tough day assistant managing that Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Martin: It's a Michaels and you know it, you son of a bitch!
Jay: [to Cameron] Fine. I'll do it. I don't like that guy. But what happens if somebody I know comes in here and thinks I'm living a secret life?
Cameron: Jay, trust me, if someone you know comes in here tonight, they're living a secret life.

Mitchell: Hey, Dad.
Jay: What do you think of the picture on my new Costco card?
Mitchell: You've never put your actual face that close to mine.
Gloria: Jay thinks that-
Jay: Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup. Let him answer.
Mitchell: Uh... Okay, you look good.
Jay: This looks nothing like me!
Mitchell: Maybe 'cause you're not yelling in it.

Jay: I have half a mind to cut this up and never go back there.
Gloria: Maybe you can use one of the scissors from the eight-pack that we bought.

Mitchell: Tonight, we are going out big. [humming]
Cameron: Oh, yeah! Yes, you're very hip. That's the theme song to the Antiques Roadshow.
Mitchell: He's right. That's embarrassing.

Claire: We've got to do something about this. It's obscene.
Alex: That's what they said about The Catcher in the Rye when it first came out.
Claire: You're not helping.

Cameron: Oh, don't you just love it the crash of the pins the smell of the rental shoe spray?
Jay: Yeah, it does kind of get the blood going.
Cameron: Oh, one small detail. This is an all-gay bowling league, so I told everyone you're all gay.

Mitchell: All right. Let's get crazy. I'll uncover the cheese.
Haley: So we'll meet my friends outside the club at, like, 10:30.
Mitchell: 10:30?
Haley: Yeah, the band doesn't go on until midnight.
Gloria: Midnight?
Haley: Okay, if you guys can't hear me now we're gonna have some real problems at the club.

Martin: Who's your new guy?
Cameron: He's my husband's uncle. Oh, you look confused. A husband is somebody who loves you that you don't have to pay.

Martin: Oh, come on, Cam. Admit it. Uncle Jay not gay.
Cameron: Oh, my God. You could not be more wrong. Look, okay. If he's acting a little weird, it's just because... he totally likes you.
Martin: No, he doesn't. [chuckling] What did he say?
Cameron: Okay, look, h-h-he didn't want me to say anything because he's shy. That's why he's being so awkward.