Haley: I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Gloria: Does she think we're 50?
Mitchell: No, no. She's just really bad at math.

Cameron: Okay, Jay.
Jay: Don't worry. I'll pick up the spare.
Cameron: No, no, no. We got bigger problems. Um, Martin's onto us. You need to flounce it up a little bit.
Jay: But you said that was offensive, remember? The otters and weasels and stuff.
Cameron: You know what's more offensive? Martin winning. So we need to get you lighter in those rental loafers.
Jay: What gave me away? I'm not handsome enough, is that it?
Cameron: Perfect. Insecure and superficial. It's a great start.

Phil: That's a $500 bottle of wine. That's like a hundred bottles of your wine.

Cameron: I told him you have a crush on him.
Jay: Why would you do that?
Cameron: I had no choice.
Jay: So you tricked me into coming here. You made me gay. Now I have a boyfriend. All these lies just to win a trophy?
Cameron: Yes.
Jay: I respect that.

Haley: Oh, those are my friends. They're out front dropping off our wristbands.
Mitchell: Oh. What comes before part "B"?
Haley: Hmm?
Mitchell: Partay!

Mitchell: No, Gloria, come on. Get up. Get up. Come on. Staying up all night it's in your blood. You come from the land of coffee and cocaine.
Gloria: You too. Nobody likes to dance more than the gays. Pretend you're on a float.

Claire: Availability of rope isn't really the issue here. It's-It's destruction of property. It's against the law.
Phil: Yeah.
Ronnie: So?
Claire: Ronnie, we live in a civilized society. We're not those kinds of people, you know?
Ronnie: Says the lady who, uh, paired my Cabernet with fish.

Jay: I'm not getting good rotation tonight.
Martin: Certainly made my head spin.
Jay: Oh, what can I say to that? Hey, can I ask you something? What do you think of that picture?
Martin: Doesn't look a thing like you.
Jay: Exactly what I've been saying.
Martin: Not the man sitting next to me. Rugged good looks. [Jay chuckles] Broad shoulders. Piercing blue eyes. Hell, you're you're somewhere between Kevin Costner and Channing Tatum.
Jay: Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh?

Cameron: [aside to camera] Our team had really found its groove. We quickly eliminated the Pinafores and Alley of the Dolls, putting us in the finals against my archrival. In the tradition of Red Sox/Yankees, Ali/Frazier it all came down to the Britney Spares versus Martin and his Merry Men.

Phil: I can't allow this to happen! I'm a respected member of the community! I'm on bus benches!