‘Kiss and Tell’
Season 10, Episode 2 - Aired October 3, 2018
When Haley turns to Mitchell and Cameron for advice on whether she needs to tell Arvin that she kissed Dylan, she sets off an argument in their marriage and makes Claire wonder why her daughter won't turn to her for help. Phil decides to turn the tables on Jay and his constant stream of put downs by "Mean Girls"-ing him. Meanwhile, Gloria starts to suspect Manny's Canadian girlfriend isn't real.
Quote from Jay
Phil: Well, well, well, if it isn't John, Paul, and George. Anyone need a Ringo?
Jay: Actually, we can get by without a little help from you, friend.
Phil: Well, pool's so over, anyways. Maybe, uh, the guys want to hit the H2O, rock some Marco Polo.
Jay: Good for you not letting that chest get in the way of having fun. Most guys wouldn't go shirtless until they got a little muscle.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Okay, I know emotional slights usually roll off me like water off a mule's back...
Mitchell: Isn't it "duck"?
Cameron: Uh, a lot of animals bead, Mitchell.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know that I support your lifestyle, and I find it very charming when your people act very emotional and inappropriate in public.
Quote from Haley
Alex: What are you doing? You are dating a world-renowned scientist. I mean, isn't Dylan still married and still an idiot?
Haley: Hey, he is not still married.
Quote from Gloria
Claire: Honey, she's dating Arvin. We love Arvin now.
Gloria: And wouldn't it be wonderful if someone called Dylan loved someone called Arvin? No one in this room would have a problem with it.
Luke: Am I wrong, or is your mom trying to get Alex to come out of the closet?
Quote from Phil
Jay: What the hell are you doing?!
Phil: Oh, yeah, well, everybody's hungry, and the prevailing opinion is that I'm a better griller than you.
Gloria: [gasps] No.
Jay: Wow. You must think you're pretty tough.
Phil: Not as tough as your meat.
Quote from Dylan
Dylan: [opening door] Haley. I had a feeling it was gonna be you.
Haley: You buzzed me in the gate.
Quote from Dylan
Haley: Listen, I need you to know that that kiss never should have happened. Arvin and I are together, and you and I are friends, and that's all we're ever going to be.
Dylan: No, thank you.
Haley: "No, thank you"? I didn't ask you a question.
Dylan: Well, let me ask you one. It's been 10 years, and I can't move on from you.
Haley: Also not a question.
Quote from Jay
Jay: All right! It's come to my attention through a series of assumptions, old e-mails and lazy sheep-like thinking that we may have gathered for no reason!
Manny: So it's not my welcome home party?
Gloria: Of course it...
Jay: No! Your mother thought Alex won an award she didn't and the dry spell continues.
Alex: [chuckles] Please, the last thing I'm having is a dry... spell...
Jay: People, listen up! There are too many actual reasons for us to see each other. We cannot afford to hang out by mistake! I love you all, now go home.
Quote from Jay
Phil: I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
Jay: You did?
Phil: Yeah.
Jay: Did you hear that, Gloria? He did.
Phil: I only trashed them because of what you called me when I was dancing at the wedding.
Jay: What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy? When you dropped your drink, Spill Bumbly?
Phil: Michael Jerkson.
Jay: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.