Gloria: Come on. Look at him. He's as straight as the swim from Cartagena to Houston.
Manny: [to Luke and Alex] The trip was amazing, and I did the cheekiest thing. I saw "Oklahoma!" in Oklahoma, "Chicago" in Chicago, and then, I got in a little trouble in River City. [laughs]
Cameron: Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard, and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.

Gloria: Ah, so happy that you came out.
Manny: What's going on with you? Where did you get that raft?
Gloria: It was in a gift bag from a very moving Pride benefit that I went to with Mitch and Cam.
Manny: If you want to know if I'm gay, just ask me.
Gloria: No, I don't want to be pushy. [blowing]
Manny: I like women, Mom! Why on Earth would you think I'm gay?
Jay: In fairness, you do check a lot of the boxes.
Gloria: I only thought it because Jay said that the Canadian girlfriends are fake and that Mitch and Cam had them.
Manny: You think my girlfriend is fake?
Gloria: Well, you didn't have any pictures, and at the bar, you said that her name was something like Olive Cocktail-napkin.
Manny: It's Sherry Shaker!

Gloria: I am sorry, but when I asked you if you were hiding something from me, you got all defensive, and you boob-shamed me.
Manny: Because something did happen. Sherry and I, we joined our... We crossed that beauteous threshold into the physical expression of love.
Jay: Have you ever heard a straight guy describe sex that way?
Luke: That's what he meant?
Gloria: Why does that feel worse to me?

Jay: There they are! My adult children still sponging off me after nearly five decades.
Claire: Love it.
Jay: Sorry, thought I'd bend that into a joke, but it stayed real.

Haley: Quick, before she comes back, I need some relationship advice, and this is kind of in a gray area ethically.
Mitchell: Oh, and it's okay to ask us because, as gays, we wouldn't dare judge anyone while living such a deviant lifestyle?
Cameron: Even the most beautiful version of our love is a mortal stain compared to the worst thing you could do?
Haley: Maybe I should talk to somebody else.
Mitchell: No, tell us!
Cameron: No! Spill, girl, spill!

Jay: No, no, no, no, you're gonna love it. Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.
Phil: Oh, you keep saying "Jay-leps."
Jay: Yeah, well I made juleps, and... and... and my name's Jay, so I call them "Jay-leps."
Phil: No, I get it. [walks off]
Jay: It's just a fun thing.

Gloria: There you are. We haven't had a chance to talk about anything since you got back. So, tell me about this new Canadian girlfriend.
Manny: Well, she's brilliant, but humble, beautiful, but accessible, one of the funniest people I've ever met, but, also, deeply serious.
Gloria: Ah, such lovely, general terms. She sounds a little bit too good to be true. What is her name?
Manny: It's Sherry Shaker.
Gloria: Sherry Shaker? Those are the two things that are in front of you at this bar.
Manny: Huh. Delightful!

Phil: [laughs]
Jay: What are you guys laughing at?
Phil: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jay: You said something funny, didn't you? The guy's a joke machine! [tries to sit down]
Phil: Oh, someone's sitting there.
Jay: Who?
Phil: Someone who doesn't ask a million questions.
Alex: Grandpa, you can sit with us.
Jay: Great.

Jay: Congrats, honey. Always proud to celebrate one of your awards.
Alex: I didn't win an award.
Jay: Well, then, what are we all doing here? I'm a busy man!
Lily: Don't you just golf now?
Jay: I work when it's raining. Why am I defending myself to you?

Claire: Haley, I did not raise you to steal.
Haley: You just said you do it, too!
Claire: I made that up so you would tell me what's going on in your life!
Haley: Why would I? Stuff a couple Pakistani lipsticks in my purse, and you freak out at me!