Haley: Olympic and 20th? That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.
Claire: What?!
Phil: No.
Claire: Oh, we are going there right now.
Phil: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
Haley: I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk away. Deal?
Phil: Okay.
Haley: I'm 420% sure.
Phil: Wow, she's bad at math.

Lily: Here. [holding her doll out] How does Santa Claus get to all of those houses?
Cameron: Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right now, and look what daddy brought you. [hands Lily the garlic press]

Mitchell: Okay, all right, okay. He got calf implants.
Cameron: Oh, my God! Oh, what do they look like?
Mitchell: Like he's smuggling two grapefruits. Which, by the way, were also on my salad.

Mitchell: Don't you dare tell a single person, okay? He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you.
Cameron: Especially me?
Mitchell: Oh, please. Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets.
Cameron: Okay, well, I didn't know that was my reputation. Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me.
Mitchell: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Cameron: Well, you did. And you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.

Phil: I can't find a way in. I can't see anything, but I hear them laughing.
Claire: And you know why kids laugh.
Phil: Because their hearts are filled with joy, not suspicion?

Claire: We have got to see what is going on in there. Get the drone thing out of the car.
Phil: That "thing" is a professional aerial-photography tool for real-estate use only!
Claire: You used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels.
Phil: For my "Phil Dunphy will get you a heavenly deal on a beach house" video. A professional real-estate tool!
Claire: That was the consensus.

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, Alex. What did you find out?
Alex: Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let on. Only five people in her class were picked to show their photographs, and Haley was one of them.
Claire: Amazing! Are there more than five people in the class?
Alex: Yes. That's the first thing I checked.
Claire: Then we really do have to be there. Call Uncle Mitchell and grandpa and see if they can join us. She didn't catch you snooping, did she?
Alex: No. She's taking a nap.
Claire: She's been taking a lot more naps lately. See what you can find out about that.

Claire: What are they doing?
Phil: They're jumping around on stuff.
Claire: Do you see anything suspicious, like, um, like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos?
Phil: No, they're filming each other and moving around like zombies. Honey, they're not getting high. They're making a movie... without me!

Claire: Get out, get out!
Phil: I can't leave the drone! It belongs to the office! They're still mad at me for writing on the dry-erase board with a permanent marker!

Mitchell: Give me your phone.
Cameron: No. Why?
Mitchell: Because you're texting someone and you look very guilty right now.
Cameron: Or I'm playing "Words with Friends" with Longinus.
Mitchell: None of those words better be "calf" or "implants."