Claire: It's not that crazy an idea.
Luke: We weren't smoking anything.
Gloria: Manny would never.
Manny: Thank you, mom.
Gloria: He's so judgy about those things. The only reason why I walk that stupid dog is so that I can smoke my cigars in peace.

Jay: She's a waitress at the club. Her boyfriend crashed her car, so I helped her, because we have that fun game where I order salad and she brings me French fries. But I never dreamt of her. Last night, I had a nightmare. Joe got out onto a ledge of a tall building. I couldn't get to him. I was very upset, and I think I might have cried a little in my sleep, which might have sounded like sex to you, which I don't love. But that's the "baby" I was talking about.
Gloria: Really? That's scary.
Jay: Yes! Why in God's name would I need to dream about another woman?
Gloria: Now that you say it out loud, it does seem kind of crazy.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't about Joe. It was about this little baby right here. [to Stella] That's right. You almost fell off a ledge, and daddy was so scared. [kisses Stella]

Haley: Hey, what are you doing?
Alex: I'm just watching you sleep. You look so pretty.
Haley: Okay, but don't breathe so loud. [Alex starts to walk away] Hey, where are you going?!

Cameron: How was lunch?
Mitchell: Oh, it was fine. Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad?
Cameron: 2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs.

Claire: Is it me, or was she just being purposefully vague? Alex, I want you to go through her stuff and find out about this thing tonight.
Phil: Wait, wait. I-I don't feel good about us snooping.
Claire: I know. That's why I told Alex to do it. I think Haley knows more than she's letting on.
Alex: It breaks my heart how badly you want to believe that.

Claire: Where are you going?
Luke: Riding our bikes to Xander's.
Claire: What are you doing there?
Luke: I don't know. Hanging out.
Phil: Sounds fun. Wear your helmets.
Manny: We will. I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

Jay: Be back in a few. If Shorty calls, tell him I died, but make sure you really sell it. It's a funny thing we're doing.
Gloria: How is that funny?
Jay: I knew you'd say that. Just don't answer the phone.

Jay: You want to tell me what I did?
Gloria: Do you want to tell me what you did?
Jay: I don't know what I did.
Gloria: Then I don't know what you did.
Jay: I'm bored. I'm going.
Gloria: Don't forget your phone.
Jay: Ow. I got a bruise on my arm. I don't know where it came from.
Gloria: Oh, poor baby.

Brett: I'm sorry. I can't listen to this. I need to tell you something, but you have to keep it a secret.
Mitchell: Of course. I'm a lawyer. I've heard murder confessions.
Brett: Really?
Mitchell: Well, in- In mock trials at law school. But still, I never told anyone.

Jay: There is a chance Gloria let me drive over here for nothing as punishment. I think she snooped on my phone, read some of my e-mails.
Phil: That's not cool. E-mails are private.
Jay: They were from a friend I loaned money to.
Phil: 100% your prerogative.
Jay: A woman.
Phil: Oh, no. Well, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd tell my lady, "You got no business being in my business. Respect your man's boundaries."
Claire: Honey, you promised you'd clean the pan if you made brownies.
Phil: Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first and I'm letting it soak, woman.
Claire: He only talks like this when you're around.
Jay: Well, then, he's done for the day.