Jay: Hey, guys. You want some red stuff that reminds you of wine?

Phil: Here comes Luke. What do we say we were doing today?
Claire: When has Luke ever showed any interest in what we do?
Phil: Okay, but be cool. If he finds out you were tracking his phone, he'll think we don't trust him.
Claire: Ooh. Plus, then I could never do it again.

Luke: You guys are acting weird.
Phil: No, we're not. You are.
Luke: What did you do today?
Claire: We just stayed home.
Phil: We went shopping. Online shopping at home for pants. We both needed pants. I told you he was gonna ask.

Luke: Wait a minute. Was that your drone today?
Manny: Were you spying on us?
Phil: I'm sorry. Your mom made me do it. She thought you were smoking grass.
Mitchell: Grass?
Cameron: No one says grass.
Claire: I never said grass.

Cameron: Honestly, you people - and by that, I mean straight people - are ridiculous! Everyone's entitled to a little bit of privacy.
Mitchell: Says the guy who forced me to tell him our friend's secret.
Cameron: Okay, that's different. That was gossip, and gossip belongs to everyone.

Mitchell: No, I knew it. "L.O.L. Do you think Brett likes his coffee black or with calf-and-calf?"
Cameron: Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. But I only told one person. It was too juicy. And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone.
Mitchell: This is from Longinus.
Cameron: Oh, that lying Crispin. Give me that. I cannot believe he betrayed my trust.
Mitchell: Now Pepper's chiming in.
Cameron: Jackals, all of them. [laughs] Oh, that Pepper.

Claire: Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a birthday present?
Alex: Yeah, I wanted to make you dinner and get you a nice bottle of wine, the one he served at New Year's you said you liked.
Claire: Ooh, I did like that wine. I'm sorry I ruined the surprise.
Alex: You should be. What did you think I was doing, anyways? Give me some credit.
Claire: Oh, well, then, maybe we could just call it even, since he typed, "I'm just surprised she remembered coming to my house that night." To which you responded, "bahahahahahaha" with like five exclamation points.
Alex: Seems fair.

Mitchell: Okay, okay, now, see. Look how much you gossip. Haley managed to capture it on film.
Cameron: And look at you, smiling ear to ear. You know you love it when I give you the dirt. Oh, which reminds me, guess who got kicked out of a hotel bar for making unwanted advances at the waitstaff?
Mitchell: I don't want to know. It's none of my business.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Jotham. Zaniel. Sal. Just tell me!

Claire: All right, knock it off. You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent, to figure out what's going on with your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair. It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices. And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing that, tough. Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night.
Cameron: I thought it was the wine.