Claire: No. No! This doesn't look real at all. Alex, where's that blood you were using this morning on your finger?
Alex: Running through my veins, keeping me alive.

Claire: Come on. It's gonna be fun. The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients, and -- and I am going to be a sadistic nurse, and you are a demented doctor.
Phil: Twenty years of "no", but for this you'll dress like a nurse?!
Haley: Um, no.
Luke: Come on.
Alex: Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

Claire: Phil! Well, honey, look! I kept your bunny!
Phil: Nibbles!

Cameron: Made it in the nick of time. All right, let's get this parade started while I'm still just 4,000 years old.
Debbie: You do know the parade's not till after school, right?
Cameron: What? No! I can't stay that long. I have football practice. Oh, my God. I have to tell Lily. She's gonna be devastated. Oh, no. Where's Waldo?

Cameron: [on video call] Mitchell, I have a costume emergency.
Mitchell: Just wear it with confidence, Cam. I'm sure you look great.
Cameron: No, I can't find Lily!
Mitchell: Oh, okay, found her. By the trash can, next to the big kid dressed like a hobo.
Cameron: Oh, you did it. I don't- I don't think that's a kid. I should probably tell a grown-up.

Jay: Gloria, what happened to my hair?
Gloria: Ay, no. Please. I cannot have this conversation again. Yes, Jay, time is cruel.

Manny: Okay, what do you think: handsome Hawaiian or sexy scotsman?
Jay: I can't do this right now.
Manny: Come on, Jay, this is my farewell tour of trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. I have to go out strong. Or should I just do what people are expecting?
Jay: Stay home 'cause you're 20?

Gloria: Maybe Stella took your wig and buried it in the yard. I saw her playing with it earlier.
Jay: What? Why didn't you take it from her?
Gloria: I don't understand your relationship with her. You let her lick your feet.
Jay: Who is that possibly hurting? What am I gonna do now? Prince Charming had hair!
Gloria: Please. We don't really know that for sure. There weren't cameras back then. Maybe he had to be charming because he was bald.

Alex: You really think it's appropriate to be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?
Claire: If we win, it is.
Alex: I may have to take a pee break soon.
Claire: Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan. I'm kidding. That's gross. I put candy in it.

Claire: Haley, sweetie, uh, gown's on backwards.
Haley: Oh, no. It's cuter this way. Sexy people go crazy, too, you know. Read a People magazine.