Cameron: I mean, what do we do? Do we say something? How do we even bring it up?
Mitchell: She threatened our child, and that's your concern- a segue?
Cameron: You know what this is?
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: This is first-child syndrome.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: It's where the first child is happy, and then the second child comes along, and the first child gets jealous of the second child and starts acting out.
Mitchell: Yes. That's brilliant, except Sal's not our child, so...
Cameron: Well, think about it. Listen, we've practically done everything for her. We've held her when she's cried.
We've carried her when she couldn't walk. I mean, we've done everything but potty-train her.

Sal: When we go to Cabo, we have to find a hotel with a swim-up bar, 'cause this going back and forth to the bathroom is a fool's game. Okay, let's get more drinks.
Mitchell: Sal, we got to talk.
Cameron: It's about Lily.
Sal: Oh, shocker.
Mitchell: Okay. Do you think it's at all possible that maybe- maybe you're jealous of her?
Sal: Pfft! What? What? [laughing] It's just- I don't know. I don't- Where- Why would you say that?
Cameron: Well, because you won't look at any pictures of her and you talked about killing her and throwing her in the ocean.
Sal: Okay, that was a joke, you guys. Come on. Fine. Show me the pictures of Yoko.
Mitchell: See, it's-
Cameron: Sal.
Sal: It's a joke. You guys! Come on. 'Cause she's Asian, and she broke up our group.

Mitchell: Did she just fall asleep?
Cameron: I wish Lily would fall asleep like that.
Mitchell: Give her eight shots of tequila.

Jay: You looking for these?
Haley: You took my shoes?
Jay: No, I took your freedom. Sorry, kid. It ain't your night.
Haley: Why are you being like this? I just wanted to go to that party for, like, two hours. I would've been back by now. Would that have killed you?
Jay: She's just like her mother.

Gloria: Why are you treating Haley like this?
Jay: Me? She's the one acting like a pill.
Gloria: You're taking this too personally. When I was Haley's age, I loved my grandfather, but I still wanted to go to parties and be with boys.
Jay: I know. I know. So did Claire and Mitchell.

Gloria: It's great that you wanna spend time with your granddaughter, but is this really the way?
Jay: Fine.
Gloria: You're a good abuelo. [As Jay heads outside] She's upstairs.
Jay: I know. [outside] Dylan!
Dylan: Yeah?
Jay: Get up. You're here to take Haley to the party, right?
Dylan: Yeah.
Jay: [waving him forward] She's in the house.
Dylan: How did you know I was here?
Jay: This is how I first met Phil.

Haley: Thanks again, Grandpa. We'II be back by 11:00.
Jay: I will track you down.
Haley: I believe that.

Gloria: If you want, I'll fix you a plate.
Dylan: Yeah, definitely. That'd be great.
Haley: But what about the party?
Dylan: We can go in just a minute. Just let- Oh, no way. The Gunfighter. I love this movie.
Haley: Dylan, the party.
Dylan: Oh. But cowboys.
Gloria: Don't fight it, Haley. They never grow up.

Izzy LaFontaine: Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah
Claire: The year was 1991. America was immersed in Desert Storm.
Izzy LaFontaine: Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah
Claire: Meanwhile, stateside, another storm was brewing in my heart. This is stupid, isn't it?
Phil: This is- No.
Izzy LaFontaine: Is it stupid, Phil?
Phil: No. Just keep- Keep going, Claire. It's wonderful.

Izzy LaFontaine: Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah
Claire: After a romantic dinner at Fratelli's, a certain nervous young couple shared their first kiss as the radio played this song.
Izzy LaFontaine: [singing] So true Funny how it seems Always in time But never in line for dreams Head over heels When toe to toe This is the sound of- [stops] You know what? No. No. Sorry. Sorry. Not gonna do it.
Phil: Yes. Yes.
Claire: What's wrong? What's going on?
Izzy LaFontaine: Do you even know the name of this song?
Phil: P-
Izzy LaFontaine: "True."
Phil: "True." "True."
Izzy LaFontaine: Right. This is false. See? I'm not gonna play "True" for someone who's false. See, he doesn't- He doesn't even know the band. He's not a fan, a Fandau.