Phil: Cam wasn't wrong about this. We paid for the whole seat, but we're only using the edge of it.

Phil: How's that work?
Luke: You find a member to sponsor you, come have some drinks with the committee, and they vote a few people in.
Phil: Similar process to a secret cheer society I was in. Skull and Pom-Poms. I've said too much already.

Claire: Well, most of being a parent isn't fair. Right now, Alex is obsessed with some CEO business woman author who's basically an older-looking version of me. We're the same age, by the way.
Gloria: You know that Alex look up to you, right?
Claire: Not by anything she says, no.
Gloria: Yeah, they never say it. I guess they think that they're giving the parents too much power. They find little ways to express it. Being a mom is like being a model. You have to learn how to live on crumbs.

Haley: Hey, Mom! Have a good day at work.
Claire: Uh, I already did that. It's 3:30.
Alex: How are you just waking up?
Haley: I set my alarm for noon. I must have slept through it.

Haley: Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.
Claire: Thank you.
Alex: A lot of singles in there. What exactly do you do at this club? [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, right. 'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex. [chuckles] Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a stripper?
Phil: No.
Claire: No.

Claire: Sweetheart, while I'm very flattered by your sudden interest in business, how about instead of another class, you get a job? Get your hands a little dirty, huh?
Haley: She could run her hands through her hair. That would do it.

Phil: Hey, hey, hey! Cramps. Luke and I just split a Beef Wellington and clams casino. Um, I'm wondering if you'd, uh, sponsor me for the new-members thing tonight.
Jay: Gee, I'd like to, but they got rules about relatives sponsoring new members, so-
Anders: No, they don't. I just did it.
Jay: Gee, they must have changed that.
Phil: Oh, great, I'll see you tonight. What time should I be here?
Jay: Oh, I think it starts about 9:30.
Anders: No, it'll be over by then. It starts at 7:00.
Jay: They must have changed that, too.
Phil: Thanks, Jay. See you at 7:00.
Anders: Wait, that was Claire's husband, right?
Jay: Yes, it was, Anders, you stupid ice [bleep].

Manny: Which shirt for the party the canary or the daffodil?
Gloria: We're not doing this again. I just did the herringbone or the tweed for your vest. Just pick one and go.
Manny: [sighs] Okay. Oh, well, this needs ironing.
Gloria: Okay, jump on. Rudolph, to the laundry room!
Joe: Ohh.

Cameron: I know it's just community theater, but aren't opening nights so exciting?
Mitchell: Yes, the cream of society decked out in their finest flip-flops.

Mitchell: Okay, what is going on? Why is everyone talking to me?
Cameron: I think they're just being friendly.
Mitchell: Cam, oh, my God. Is is this one of those interactive theater experiences?
Cameron: Oh, do you mean where the audience participates and the line between performer and spectator is delightfully blurred? Mitchell, we're at a high-school reunion!