Luke: [aside to camera] Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips. I also like the way those guys talk. There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians. It's ice [bleep]ers.

Manny: Who am I kidding? I can't fall asleep. Every car alarm, every whistle of the wind sounds like people laughing at me.
Gloria: It's all in your imagination.
Joe: [laughing]
Manny: [groans] I just want to Netflix and Mom.

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't know what I was worried about. All I had to do was let Phil be Phil. He'd never get past the vote. Fortunately, clueless boobs are one group the Supreme Court can't force us to let in.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I haven't had one night to myself in six months, but tonight, Manny's going to a party.
And if I can get Joe tired enough to go to sleep, I can finally relax and take a long, nice bath. I even have a wine glass that floats. In case I fall asleep, nothing bad can happen.

Phil: Hey, buddy, they canceled my showing, so I can drive you to work. That looks good. What is it?
Luke: Lobster Thermidor from the country club. There's also cherries jubilee in the fridge.
Phil: Mmm. Look at us eating like rich people in the '50s.

Alex: Okay, well, I'm off. I'm signing up for some business classes at community college.
Claire: Business class, huh? Sounds like somebody's been influenced by living under the same roof with a certain captain of industry.
Phil: Thank you, honey, but none of my success would have been possible without your support as a homemaker.

Lily: So, I don't really have a job title or even a set place to work, so I kind of just float around and make sure everyone has what they need. 4:00, Your Honor. Don't forget to take your medicine.
Phil: Well, all these powerful guys. You can make connections here that'll last forever.
Luke: Not really. We have a lot of turnover here. That flag outside has been at half-mast since April.

Mitchell: Stop pretending, all right? You tricked me.
Cameron: I did not.
Mitchell: You always trick me. Every time we leave the house, it's like a game of three-card Monte.
Cameron: Interactive theater is fun.
Mitchell: It's not fun. It's never fun. It's the worst thing that can happen to human during peace time.

Congressman Morley: So, tell us about yourself, Phil.
Phil: Well, uh, you and I have something in common, actually. We're both Congressmen.
Jay: Go on, with that, Phil.
Phil: You're in the State Congress, and I was in the Junior Tumbling Congress.
Judge Lewis: I was in Tumbling Congress. You trampoline?
Phil: I'm on my tramp like three nights a week! [chuckles] The rest of the time, I'm- I'm with my wife. [laughter]

Phil: So, I go back to the seller with an all-cash no-contingency offer that'd pay off both his mortgages and leave enough after capital gains to put a down payment on a condo. I give him an hour or I'm pulling the offer.
Congressman Morley: I love this story. It's like a western.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It was a nightmare. Tumbling stories, bad jokes, and they ate it up! I'd say they were being polite, but I've personally seen two of those guys hit pedestrians and not even slow down!