Claire: Nose job. [all drink]
Longinus: Butt lift. Last summer, that thing was 4 inches off the ground.
Claire: What do they do with all the butt they take out?
[A woman with ample cleavage walks by]
Julian: I have a theory. [all laugh]

Longinus: Oh, damn! Here comes my ex.
Cameron: Who? Randolph?
Mitchell: Marcus?
Cameron: Lamichael?
Longinus: No. Matt. I gotta go.
Claire: Drama. Love it! This is what I wanted.

Julian: More bubbly, Claire?
Claire: Mm, I will be after I get a drink. See, that's what gay is supposed to be like.
Mitchell: Okay, I don't know about you, but I got about five minutes of fabulous left in me.
Cameron: Yeah, in my mind, I'm already in our kitchen. I'm watching my potpie rotate in the microwave.
Mitchell: Okay. Okay. When did hats come back?
Cameron: That one's come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady.

Jay: This is ridiculous. She's obviously got a pistol under that poncho. How do you watch this stuff?
Gloria: He's been up there for more than one hour. I can't stand this.
Jay: Who's been up there? Reinaldo's doing the dishes right in front of her.
Gloria: Manny, in his bedroom.
Jay: Gloria, are you even watching this? I'm doing this for you.
Gloria: What does he has in that box that he cannot show to me?
Jay: Little boys are supposed to keep secrets from their mothers. Wait. The judge just peeked through the window. Is he interested in Celia now? She could be his daughter.

Gloria: I don't want to talk to you. I'm gonna take a walk.
Jay: Gloria, come on. Come back. I know you're not mad at me. You just- [gun shot on TV] Oh! What'd she do? Reinaldo!

Phil: Oh, wang chung! Pay up, gentlemen! Oh, yes! Thank you! Really? That's so nice. Another pitcher, my good woman.

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire would have killed me if she'd known that I let Haley go off alone while I chilled in a bar with some undergrads, but I happen to trust my daughter. Also, I was tracking her location with the GPS on her phone.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. This isn't our car.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: This isn't our Prius! They they must've given us the wrong one at the valet. That's why the Bluetooth isn't working.
Cameron: We stole a car? Are you serious?
Longinus: [on the phone] What's happening?
Cameron: Oh, we stole a car. Uh, we gotta go.
Mitchell: Okay, we did not steal a car, Cam. It was given to us.
Cameron: Why are you giving me attitude? You're the one that stole a car.
Mitchell: How is this a stolen car?! How?!
Cameron: I don't know! I'm confused! Do you have an aspirin?
Mitchell: This isn't my car!

Claire: Do you mind swinging by my kid's sleepover? I gotta give him this retainer. It's on the way to the club.
Julian: Sure, no problem.
Claire: You are so sweet. Holy pythons, Batman. Do you ever leave the gym?
Julian: Uh, no. Actually, I'm a trainer and a masseur.
Claire: Oh, my God. I'm gonna have to try out that second one. Zip, please.
Julian: I gotta say, this night is turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected.
Claire: I've got two kids at sleepovers and one upstate with daddy. The fun is just beginning.

Mitchell: Unbelievable. The valet gave our car away to someone, like, and hour and a half ago.
Cameron: You know what that means. Our potpies could be anywhere by now.
Mitchell: They probably went home. If if we knew their address, maybe we could see if our car was there.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. And how do you propose we do that?
Satnav: Calculating route home.
Cameron: Oh, you're good. Oh, and look. Only .6 miles away.
Satnav: Prepare to turn right in 500 feet.
Mitchell: Notice how she didn't wait until after the turn to tell me, Cam?
Cameron: Really? This? Now?