Phil: Please? Please, just listen to me for one second.
Haley: Go away! Stop following me!
Officer: Hey, you wanna tell me why you're bothering this young lady?
Phil: Oh, no, no, no, no. Officer, this is my daughter. Tell him.
Haley: Tonight, I don't know who you are.
Phil: She's she's joking. I'm not dangerous. In fact, I-I-I helped to put all the lights on this path. Twenty years ago, some friends and I took back the night. I-I think I just- I embarrassed her a little.
Haley: "A little"? That sweatshirt embarrasses me "a little."
Officer: Yep, that's a daughter.

Haley: Tonight was insane. Why did you have to act like that?
Phil: You were at that party. I see you talking to frat boys, and-
Haley: Isn't that why we're here, so I can experience college? I mean, what are you gonna do when I actually go?
Phil: I don't know. Freak out, I think. Look your whole life, my job has been to protect you. A job I kind of love. Now I feel like I'm being forced into early retirement. I just needed to find you and make sure you were okay, for as long as I still get to do that.
Haley: It's just like you- Piss me off and then say something sweet. I'm not leaving until the fall.
Phil: Maybe by then I can figure out how to put a force field around you. I've been working on that one since the first time I tried to fasten you into your car seat. I pinched your chunky little thigh.
Haley: Aw. Even though you basically just called me fat.

Jay: We all struggle with limitations Some we're willing to accept. And some we're not. It's never too late to grow in life. "Thanks to our patented lengthenator, you can increase your height by up to 4 inches."
Gloria: I can't believe he would spend $50 on this thing.
Jay: I know. He could've got a 2-year subscription to "Playboy" for that.
Gloria: He's not getting the "Playboy" ever! He's a little boy!

Cameron: Wouldn't it be great if we woke up tomorrow and our car had found its way home?
Mitchell: Yeah, I feel that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Cameron: Happened on the farm one time. A tornado scooped up one of our calves, dropped it who knows where. Six months later, a full-grown cow comes walking up the driveway same markings, same moo. That night, we-
Mitchell: We ate like kings.
Cameron: Okay, I've told it before. Oh, my gosh! It's our car!
Guy: I see you've met my wife.

Phil: There she is! The old library. Had some late nights in there. Some of them I even spent studying. Don't tell your mom.
Haley: And maybe don't tell me.
Phil: [high five] College!
Haley: He was shielding his eyes from the sun.
Phil: Knew it when I hit it.

Phil: No way! Haley, no way! Check it out! After a few beers, my buds and I would jump on these lunch trays and race down this same hill. Hop on.
Haley: I don't want to to hop on.
Phil: Seriously, you'll get the giggles.
Haley: I don't want the giggles.

Gloria: Manny, who is this Bella girl, and why is her name all over your notebook?
Manny: Bella's no girl, mom. She has recently blossomed, like a purple lilac in April.
Gloria: What do you mean, she blossom? Like, the poo-berty?
Manny: Yep. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.

Gloria: I don't like this. Manny has never kept a secret from me.
Jay: Don't worry about it.
Gloria: What do you think it could be?
Jay: Well, right now I'm a little worried it could be the rest of my evening.

Mitchell: Okay, well, Longinus did invite us to a boutique opening, you know, cocktails, DJ. But it'll it'll be a whole scene, though.
Claire: A scene? A scene is perfect. That's great. I will get in the car before you guys change your mind. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Cameron: So does that mean no potpies?
Mitchell: Uh, hey, Joanne? Two number nines to go.

Phil: You wanna go with them, don't you?
Haley: No, we're doing our thing.
Phil: Yeah, quick. Before they leave.
Haley: Are you sure?
Phil: Go. I can handle it. You're not the first girl to leave me at this table with a plateful of chicken wings. I'm kidding! I wish I was kidding. You weren't supposed to hear that. Have fun.