Mitchell: Oh, my God. Cam, look. Lily's in second place. 9.2.
Cameron: I told you she's a gymnast. With scores like that, she's gonna make pre-team.
Mitchell: Are you serious?
Cameron: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: Pre-team? She could make pre- What's pre-team?

Claire: [knocking, shouting[ Claire! Phil! Haley! Luke! Alex!
Jay: Gloria, we've been through the roster three times. They're not home.
Manny: But their cars are here. Where could they be?
Jay: Who knows what these people do?

Phil: And a toasty 75 degrees for daughter Haley. You see, the Verona boasts individualized climate zones, Claire. I could literally transport a polar bear and an orchid and not make two trips.
Luke: Dad, I'm freezing. It's, like, 1 degree back here.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Six minutes in, and it begins.
[back:]
Alex: Here. Take the blanket from the bed.
Luke: Thanks, kitten.

Claire: Alex, honey, that's a cute sweater. Doesn't Haley have one like that?
Alex: Oh, it actually is hers. I took it from her closet before we left.
Haley: Really?
Claire: Ooh. Sorry, girls. Didn't mean to start a whole thing.
Haley: I am so sick of you... always looking better in my clothes. When did that happen?
Claire: So you're okay with this?
Haley: Oh, yeah. She can wear whatever she wants after I've had it for six months.
Claire: Oh.
Alex: Or I get it automatically if you buy anything that looks like it.

Phil: This just feels right. Huh, team? Matter of fact, I was thinking we could all drive up to Yellowstone this summer. But I say, let's take this beeyotch ocean to ocean!

Manny: My backpack's definitely not in there.
Jay: Well, they're not picking up their phone.
Manny: He must've brought it inside.
Jay: Sorry, kid, looks like you're out of luck.
Gloria: Come!
Jay: Don't they have a burglar alarm?
Gloria: Ay, please.

Manny: Okay, everybody, split up and search. Jay, you look in the bedroom.
Jay: I'm not looking in their bedroom.
Manny: Fine. Mom, I don't think my backpack is in Cam's bag.
Gloria: I was just closing it for him. I heard a noise.

Jay: Looks like the guys threw a little party.
Gloria: I noticed. They brought out the guest soaps.
Jay: How long have you been in here? Hey, this is that bottle of wine I bought Phil when he started his company.
Gloria: And Claire's lipstick is on many of these wineglasses.
Jay: Pictionary. They had game night?
Gloria: But we always go to game night.
Jay: Son of a bitch. They snubbed us.
Manny: Found it!
Gloria: There must've been a dozen players. Pepper was here.
Jay: But Pepper loves me.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I have to admit. Seeing Lily do so well brought out something in me. The pride of being a parent of a child who wasn't just participating but thriving.

Mitchell: Fall. Fall. Fall.
Cameron: Mitchell, I can hear you rooting for a little girl to fall. If I can hear you, other people can hear you.
Mitchell: Yes! I don't know why I said that. I don't- I'm sorry.
Cameron: Yeah, he didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. No, um, he just got caught up. And, uh, you know, we all know competition makes people do crazy things.
Julie's mom: Look at this! Her bun fell apart during the floor exercise. Her hair got in her eyes and she couldn't even finish!
Julie: You did it on purpose!
Cameron: No!
Lily: Daddies! I'm in first place.
Mitchell: [subdued] Yay.
Cameron: [subdued] That's great.