Cameron: Uh, Lily, did you pull the pins out of Julie's hair?
Lily: Yeah, she fell.
Cameron: Oh. Okay, um I- Could I get everyone's attention for just a moment?
Mitchell: We consider what our daughter just did to be an embarrassment to the sport of gymnastics.
Cameron: I assure you, she did not learn this from us.
Mitchell: And as far as we are concerned, that is a sign of weakness.
Cameron: Not the way a winner behaves, but the way-
Both: A loser behaves.
Cameron: Come on, Lily. Let's get your grips and tiger paws. You're going to a time-out.
Mitchell: Yeah. A nice long one.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I made pre-team, and my daddies get to watch from outside.
Cameron: No closer than 100 feet.
Mitchell: But we're appealing.

Gloria: It's true, Jay. I cheated. I cheat a little bit every time that we come to the game night. I think Mitch saw me the last time, and that's why they don't want to play with us anymore.
Jay: But why would you do that?
Gloria: I don't know! Maybe because I don't want you to think that I am not smart.
Jay: I would never think that. And besides, it's my fault, anyway. The kid is right. I'm too competitive. Lost a game of Yahtzee once. The dice are still on the wall.
Gloria: Yeah, but at least you're not a cheater. I feel like such a donkey mouth.

Luke: Summer school. I'm failing pre-algebra.
Claire: Why didn't you say something?
Luke: I don't know. I feel stupid. You know what it's like to follow her? All the teachers look at me and think that I'm some kind of irrational remainder. Did I use that right?
Alex: No.
Luke: Dang it.

Haley: Yeah, who have you been talking to so much lately? Aaron?
Claire: Who's Aaron?
Alex: Actually, it's two boys, Aaron and Alex.
Claire: Oh, two boys.
Haley: A boy named Alex likes you?
Alex: Yeah, I know. It's weird. But my friend Andi with an "I" - she's a girl - also liked Alex.
Haley: The boy?
Alex: Yes, the boy. I don't refer to myself in the third person.
Luke: I thought Aaron was the third person.

Phil: This summer - you, me, the kids, - Yellowstone National Park. And that's just the Verona, he offered me an Amalfi. An Amalfi, Claire! That makes the Umbria look like a Portofino!
Claire: Well, they should've called it the Roman, 'cause that's what we're about to be doin'.
Phil: I'm really not following you.

Phil: Family fun meeting by the front door, stat! "Stat" means right now!
Haley: Ugh. What is it?
Claire: Ignore her. She's been in a bad mood all day. And Luke isn't home yet.
Luke: I'm right here.
Claire: Where were you?
Luke: This house still holds its secrets.

Phil: I sold a home to the one and only Pete Johnson.
Claire: There's only one Pete Johnson?
Phil: Only one who's California's top R.V. dealer. There's 835 others. Nightmare of a deal to paper.

Claire: Well, and this was his way of saying-
Phil: Thank you.
Claire: Of course. He paid a commission, too, right?
Phil: Yes. And he told me I could take Jolene out anytime. Yeah, I named her! Let's take this dirty girl for a spin up the coast!

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have a gymnast in our family.
Mitchell: Yeah, Lily goes to gymnastics class.
Cameron: In one short year, I've seen her blossom from a little girl who couldn't do a somersault...
Mitchell: Into one who kind of can. Yeah, and by that standard, we also have a black belt, art prodigy, and prima ballerina in our family, so...
Cameron: You know, what we don't have in our family is two loving, supportive fathers.
Mitchell: I'm just saying, she's 5, you know?
Cameron: And you never let her forget it.

Julie's mom: Excuse me, is that your little girl out there?
Cameron: It is.
Julie's mom: And you did her hair?
Cameron: I did.
Julie's mom: Do you mind helping my Julie with hers?
Cameron: Oh. Oh, do you guys own a convertible?
Julie's mom: No.
Cameron: Oh, no judgment. Yeah, I'll get to work right when Lily's done.