Gloria: Are you dating anyone?
Sonia: You remember Antonio Marquez?
Gloria: Yes, of course. The most handsome boy in the school with those beautiful eyes.
Sonia: His father with the wooden leg... He lost it in the flood.
Gloria: So is it serious?

Jay: I'd like to tell you the story of how I came to meet my incredible wife, because up until the birth of this child, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Claire: Mm, that feels good huh?
Jay: So it's morning. My car's getting waxed. I hop in the diner. I hear this adorable accent. I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend. I send over a piece of pie.
Phil: All class.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Jay: Couple of minutes later, who comes over to thank me but Gloria, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Phil: Amen.
Jay: She sits down, we start talking, and we haven't stopped talking since. But here's the crazy part. I didn't send the pie to Gloria. Her back was to me. I sent it to her friend, who went to the bathroom and missed it. And that person is here today, Gloria's sister Sonia.
Phil: Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate can change the whole-
Sonia: You stole my life! [attacking Gloria]

Claire: Where is Luke?
Phil: I think he's the one standing next to Matthew.
Claire: Phil.

Jay: Okay! That's it! We're in a House of God, damn it.

Claire: Whatever happened with the kids, I don't want you to feel bad about it.
Phil: I don't.
Priest: I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us.
Claire: Don't worry. I will take care of everything tomorrow.
Phil: That may not be necessary, my wife.

Priest: In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, what name have you given the child?
Jay: Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
Priest: May God be with you all.
Gloria: Thank you, Jay.
Jay: We're never gonna call him that.

Claire: So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats into Karen Sullivan's party the other night. And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree. Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore, because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up. Isn't that crazy, how all our of kids' problems just disappeared?
Phil: Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire.
Claire: What are you talking about?
Phil: Don't ask me about my business.
Claire: I wasn't.
Phil: Good. Don't.
[Luke closes the door on Clair]

Lily: I'm bored.
Cameron: I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking about what we're gonna wear tonight, and that's a difficult conversation.
Lily: Cry me a river.
Mitchell: Lily. I-I'm not loving this attitude. You seem a little mean.
Lily: Sorry. Should I call you a wah-mbulance?

Jay: [aside to camera] As great as it is bringing a baby home from the hospital, there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to... relatives.

Phil: [on the phone] Is there some kind of dress code for godparents?
Claire: You're not wearing a fedora, Phil. Can you pick up the dry cleaning?
Phil: [as Marlon Brando] That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Claire: Yeah, we're not doing that.