Claire: [aside to camera] My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers by being a cold, distant authority figure. Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this: Why didn't I listen to him?

Phil: Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.
Director: Actually, we're short a couple of extras. How would you two like to be in it?
Gloria: Yes! That sounds amazing.
Phil: Hey, um, I see a couple of old people. This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it? 'Cause if it gets too descriptive, I'm gonna squirm. I just did it to myself.

Charlie Bingham: Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour. I have my helicopter standing by on the roof.
Mitchell: Is it even built for that?
Charlie Bingham: No. That's why you only have a half-hour.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time. We have a ton to cover. We need to talk about new lease agreements and the workers' comp package.
Charlie Bingham: 29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.

Claire: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Jay: Thanks for "bzzzing" by. I hope you weren't in the middle of a "thang."
Claire: Okay, that did get a little away from me. But to be fair, I broke the ice.
Jay: Everybody thinks you're a dummy. Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact, one of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.
Jay: Don't say Todd.
Claire: His name is Todd. Oh, no.
Jay: You cannot go to lunch with Todd.
Claire: Why not?
Jay: You can't be associated with him. Up until an hour ago, he was the office weirdo.

Alex: The native Americans and the settlers. Had two completely different ideas of land ownership. Eventually, these differences would lead to war.
Cameron: [gasps] Oh. Look, goose bumps.

Cameron: We did it! Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise, tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared.
Alex: Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?
Cameron: Well, I don't want to be indelicate, but the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher.
Alex: I don't want you to be my permanent teacher.
Cameron: Oh, what? You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?

Alex: Listen to me. I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record, and I'm not going to let you screw it up now. I have an P.P. test in 160 days, and I need to ace it. Can you get me there or not?
Cameron: I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.
Alex: You do realize that all the men of the Alamo died?
Cameron: They all died!

Charlie Bingham: It's a prototype. It can withstand the most extreme temperatures on the planet. It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.
Haley: It also repels women.
Charlie Bingham: I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight! Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.

Mitchell: Okay, no, that is enough! No! No! She is my niece! Okay? This pathetic midlife crisis of yours is- Is hurting the company, and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes. Y- You need to focus and you need to start acting your age. Your- Your real age, not your egg age.
Charlie Bingham: Huh. Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him. But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion. It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.
Mitchell: Just focus.

Claire: It really wasn't bad. Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him.
Jay: Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan?
Claire: Ruthie and Stu.
Jay: That's the name he picks? "Turtle stew"? Idiot!