Gloria: I still feel so stiff. I don't know what to pretend saying.
Phil: You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life. Like, how was your day today?
Gloria: Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.
Phil: Okay, so use that. My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson, is also sad because his son wouldn't take his advice. And he wanted to be dropped off a block away from school. He expected that from his daughters. But thought his son would be different.
Gloria: That's so sad.
Phil: But Dr. Stephen Wilson is not going to let that ruin breakfast with his mistress.

Principal Brown: Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team?
Cameron: Well, well, that's an interesting offer. How much does it pay?
Principal Brown: Nothing.
Cameron: Are you firm on that?
Principal Brown: Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available. It's all yours if you coach.
Cameron: Can I wear shorts?
Principal Brown: Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.
Cameron: Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts. I humbly accept your offer.

Cameron: [dressed as George Washington] Gentlemen, today is a new beginning. And that can be scary. I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now. But they will. Success is not guaranteed. It is not handed to you. Success is earned. Today, we are forging a new path, people! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
Boy: Wrong president.
Cameron: Just keep pushing!

Claire: I'm actually kind of nervous.
Phil: You're gonna be great. And remember, if you get into a jam, just do the impression I taught you. [as Christopher Walken] "Hey. You can hang your clothes in me." Christopher Walken closet.
Claire: I'm not doing that.

Mitchell: Hi, sweetheart. I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss, but thank you so much for helping me out.
Haley: No problem. My last class is a pass/fail. And it's community college, so it's pass.
Charlie Bingham: Hi. Charlie Bingham. Wow. Look at your eyes.
Haley: Oh. I-I can't.

Phil: Traditional "first day of school" pancakes. Whipped-cream smile?
Luke: Dad, I'm in High School now. Just put it in my mouth.

Phil: Buddy, I know a new school can be scary, so a little advice: Every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Hey. Like, um, "I love your hair." "Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful smile."
Luke: Okay, Dad, I'll tell that big guy over there that he's got a beautiful smile.
Phil: Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.

Gloria: Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet? Are you nervous because of your first day in High School?
Manny: Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.
Gloria: Oh, my God, what did you see?!
Manny: Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now. I'm sophisticated.
Gloria: And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?
Manny: If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.

Phil: First day of High School, huh? Is Manny excited?
Gloria: Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.
Phil: Oh.
Gloria: Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed, so now I don't know.

Jay: Put the cookies down.
Claire: Why?
Jay: You're management. It makes you look desperate. Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.
Claire: I do want everyone to like me.
Jay: You want everyone to respect you. You got to be tough. Keep your distance.
Claire: Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.
Jay: Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.