Cameron: Is it alive?
Jay: No.
Mitchell: Is it scissors?
Jay: Sure.
Cameron: No, but you said it was heavier than a piano!
Jay: I just want this to be over. Can we be done with games?

Mitchell: Oh, our car's a minute away.
Cameron: Okay. Goodbyes Part 3. And please, no hugs. Lay off my linen suit. It's already as wrinkled as my favorite pig when she lost all that weight.

Mitchell: You're taking a family picture without us?!
Cameron: Okay, well, you have made leaving a lot easier because, clearly, what this family needs is some time apart.
Mitchell: Uh-huh. Let's... [cellphone chimes] Uh-oh.
Jay: Did any of us really not think that was gonna happen?

Claire: Mitchell, we skated our little hearts out to "Hungry Like the Wolf" for this thing. I'm taking it. Damn it, it's locked.

Mitchell: You brought me here to steal?! I can't go to jail. I am a gay prosecutor. There's no prison gangs for that.

Mitchell: W-What are you doing? You... You know how to pick a lock?
Claire: Luke's always getting locked into something. Between that and trying to break into Haley's diary, I'm kind of a pro. By the way, thanks for getting her on birth control.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, what are uncles for?

Alex: How about when Luke would have nightmares and drag his sleeping bag in here?
Haley: Oh.
Alex: We'd wait till he fell asleep, light candles, put on devil masks, and wake him up.
Haley: [laughs] He still can't form long-term attachments. [laughs]

[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was 2005, and we desperately wanted a dog. So we made a video to convince our parents that we could be responsible dog owners.
Alex: The dog, of course, was played by a 6-year-old Luke. He'd already had ringworm that summer, so he had an entryway into the role.

Luke: Wait a minute. The Woofie ears just happen to be here? I must be the luckiest bastard alive. Let's do this.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. That was so fun! Oh, I never do stuff like this with anybody but you. Well, also because I'm an adult with ethics.
Claire: We make a great team.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. It just hit me. This might be the last time that we...
Claire: No, no, no. No, no. We already said goodbye twice. Keep it light.
Mitchell: It's just that some of my best memories are of you and me here. That... There, that's it. I'm done.
Claire: Would you say... you're hungry for more?
Mitchell: Hungry like...