Cameron: Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself on these biscuits and gravy. They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama. Am I right, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Sure. If that's a thing, why not?
Pam: Bless your hearts.
Lily: [Southern accent] I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Mitchell: Hey, just because they do it...

Haley: Okay, well, we can start at this western place where I know the bartender. If you hang back, I can get us free drinks all night.
Andy: It won't look weird, you ordering two drinks every time you go up?
Haley: No.
Andy: Then let's turn this mother out.
Haley: [weak chuckle]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I got pretty lucky pulling that expression out of my fanny. I'm not usually so quick with party talk, but I've always had this fear that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her, so I just tried to survive the night and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said corned beef. There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Mitchell: All right. As much as I'd love to leave this alone, I learned something tonight that I feel like I- I need to share with you. You deserve the best in life. So if the time isn't right, then move on. Second best, it's... It's never enough. You'll do much better, baby, on your own. Baby. On your own.

Pam: I can't believe I got left. Left!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So, Pam got left. Her husband, Bo, took off with half their stuff when she was out rounding up dazed piglets after a twister. I'm not kidding.

Phil: Look, someday, watching movies on the couch is the only thing we'll be able to do, but right now, let's fire a warning shot right through Father Time's beard and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.
Alex: Rome.
Phil: Emerald City.
Alex: Seattle or Oz.
Phil: She knows where I mean, and the clock's running!

Jay: How long's it take to get the makeup off? I got out of Saigon faster.
Gloria: You like what walks out the door every morning, so don't complain about the process.
Jay: I got a floor sander in the garage if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.

Haley: Andy, what is happening with you? Why are you doing this?
Andy: What are you talking about? I thought you loved Wild Andy.
Haley: No, no. I love Normal Andy, tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy. Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy. Uses-the-word-"tummy" Andy.
Andy: Really? Because I've been doing this whole thing because I was afraid you'd get bored and dump me if I couldn't keep up.
Haley: I know you can't keep up. But I'd rather slow down. I like the me I am when I'm with you.
Andy: Well, I wish you would have told me that about a minute ago. Aah! I can't watch! The stress is murder on my tummy.

Manny: Um, in all the bathroom confusion, instead of my multivitamin, I may have taken a birth-control pill.
Gloria: I think you'll be fine. And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!
Manny: It may be the pill, but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, once a year, some sort of pollen is released into the air, and for two weeks, Cam has allergy-induced sleep apnea and has to use an apparatus in order to help him breathe. What's challenging is, Pam has the same condition. I thought that maybe I could focus if I could get those contraptions in sync.