Mitchell: Oh, my god, there's Sandy!
Cameron: Sandra Bullock?
Mitchell: Yeah, Sandra Bullock. We're such good friends, I call her "Sandy". No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool. Right there.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. You know, she got engaged.
Mitchell: No! To the gay boyfriend?
Cameron: Totally.
Mitchell: Oh, how does she not see it?
Cameron: If I was with somebody that gorgeous, I'd overlook a few quirks, too.
Mitchell: First of all, thank you. Second of all point well taken. Poor Sandy. I feel so bad for her.
Cameron: Well, it's better than being alone.
Mitchell: Is it?
Cameron: She's looking over here.
Mitchell: Oh, my god.
Cameron: Mitchell, you're sitting on the button.
Mitchell: What? No--no, I'm not. No, I'm not! The--it's stuck! And you're the one that had it last when you were talking to the cheese shop!
Cameron: Because you know what? If you advertise truffle cheese, there are certain expectations-
Mitchell: Hi, Sandy.

Gloria: [on the phone] Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you, either. Maybe you are the one that is bothering me! How do you like that? Eh?
Alex: Gloria, I'm gonna have to ask you again to please stick to your script.
Gloria: But everybody's saying no to me! I don't get it. Usually when I ask someone to do something, they just do it!
Alex: Maybe it's because these people can't see you.
Gloria: I don't like it. Can't you just hook me up to some sort of camera?

Cecil Van Gundy: I'm Cecil Van Gundy. Joining us now in studio is District 43 town council candidate Claire Dunphy.
Claire: [lisping] Thank you, Cecil. It's a pleasure to be here.
Cecil Van Gundy: So, you're a first-time candidate. Tell us what got you involved.
Claire: It all started with a, um- With a stop sign. I was concerned about safety in our neighborhood and I was not getting any satisfaction from City Hall.

Luke: What's wrong with mom?
Alex: Oh, this isn't good.
Gloria: She sounds drunk!
Haley: That's not her drunk voice.

Cecil Van Gundy: And tell us about some of the other issues facing our town. Where do you stand on the city's sewage and sustainability initiative, the so-called S.S.I.?
Claire: [lisping] One cannot really talk about s-s-sewage and sustainability without first discussing recycling. This city can do more-

Jay: Boy, I'd sure like to see the sweet sight of my vote counting.
Dottie: Why would I say I'd do something and not do it? That would make me a liar instead of a trusting widow who fell asleep in the warm embrace of a man who promised to make breakfast.
Jay: Okay, here it is. Look, I am so sorry. You were the first woman I'd been with besides my ex in thirty-five years. I panicked. An- And it wasn't 'cause y- you weren't pretty naked or anything like that. I'd have run from Angie Dickinson.
Dottie: Oh, lucky her.
Jay: Dottie.
Dottie: Good-bye, Jay!
Jay: Dottie, Dottie, please. I'm just trying to get my ballot in the box.
Dottie: Oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.
Jay: Yeah, but you don't have to do anything. Just let me put it in! Uhh. Shouldn't have said that.

Cameron: We are so sorry. We did not mean for you to hear any of that.
Mitchell: Yes, and you know what? We shouldn't have been gossiping in the first place.
Sandy: But what if you're right? What if Gregory is gay? When my mom said it, I didn't believe her. She lives in Iowa. But coming from you two!
Cameron: Means nothing.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: We barely know your fiance. If he says he's straight, he's straight.
Mitchell: Mm. Straight.
Sandy: We're getting married in a month. People are flying in. He signed us up for dance classes. Oh, my god! Mitchell: No. No, no, no. Hey. This is what gays do. We gossip. We gossip a lot.
Sandy: He gossips!
Mitchell: No. No. You're missing the point, okay? We see a great-looking guy like Gregory, and we say he's gay because we want him to be gay!

Cameron: [aside to camera] Three weeks later, Sandy and Gregory got married, and everyone said the wedding was beautiful.
Mitchell: Gregory did the flowers. Which is perfectly normal for a straight guy.

Phil: I left the house today to get 50 votes for my wife. I'm not going home with zero. The least you can do is walk right in there and punch a hole for the woman who drags your garbage can up your driveway every Tuesday!
Walt: I don't like it! Goes against everything I believe in.
Phil: Really? A stop sign?!
Walt: But I'll do it, 'cause you're a good kid. And I had a nice day till you started yelling at me.
Phil: So sorry. Thank you. Here you go.
Walt: You know, my wife was an alcoholic, too.
Phil: Okay. Let's just go vote.

Gloria: Any news?
Claire: Not yet, not yet, But even if I lose, at least now I know I have a future in radio.
Gloria: I couldn't. People need to see me.