Manny: [aside to camera] Jay is always telling me to "Write this down." I don't always catch everything he says. "Something, something, firm handshake." "Never take the first room they show you." Not sure who "they" is. And this one just says "Pancakes."

Gloria: Ay, Cam, thank you for helping me.
Cameron: Oh, it's my pleasure. [calling] Stella! Stella! Oh, my god.
Gloria: What? Do you see her?
Cameron: No. But I see myself in the role I was born to play. [shouting] Stella! Stella! [answering phone] Hello? Oh, Mitchell, you are not gonna believe this. I'm out helping Gloria look for her dog. I'm wearing an undershirt and I'm screaming "Stella," just like in "Streetcar."
Mitchell: You didn't clean the kitchen.
Cameron: Mitchell, I am an inadvertent Stanley Kowalski. How can you not be delighted by this?

Phil: [aside to camera] I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I've succeeded as a dad. If he wants to go the wrong way on the escalator, I'm on board. If he wants to go into a restaurant and pretend we're Australian, then "G'day mate, toss a few shrimps on the barbie for me and my Joey. Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman? Men at Work?"

Phil: Okay. Huddle up, everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family, and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.
Luke: She just said the mom was Blind Side.
Phil: Well, she's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played tight end.
Alex: Offensive line.
Phil: Sorry. African-American kid.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For the record, I am not a neat freak. I-in fact, in my first long-term relationship, I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me. Well...

Manny: Hello, ma'am. Do you love Christmas?
Neighbor: Actually, I'm Jewish.
Manny: Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good value.
Jay: Oh, jeez.

Jay: Focus, people.
Gloria: Manny, we will buy all your wrapping paper.
Jay: No. No, we won't. No, he's got to learn to sell. This is the best business training there is. Hell, the best life training. Manny, write this down. "A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him."

Jay: Gloria, how many times do I have to tell you to pull your car all the way in? The gate was open all night.
Gloria: We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money's gonna fly in and then your gardener is gonna have to rake it up?

Manny: Jay, I'm going to need you to cut me a check.
Jay: What now?
Manny: Drama club trip. "Les Miserables." We're selling wrapping paper to raise money for the tickets.
Jay: No, no. Wait, wait. Slow down. What's the story exactly?
Manny: Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread-
Jay: The wrapping paper.
Gloria: Nineteen years for a loaf of bread? How good was this bread?

Mitchell: Cam, what's this scribble on the "Vanity Fair" about an adoption agency?
Cameron: Oh, uh, yeah, they called to say they wanted to reschedule our home visit.
Mitchell: When? Why didn't you tell me? Th-this is kind of important.
Cameron: Well, when does it say?
Mitchell: Uh, well, who knows? It disappears into Jennifer Aniston's hair. You gotta get a better system.
Cameron: There is nothing wrong with my system. Ask me anything about any upcoming event. I can tell you when and where it is.
Mitchell: When is the adoption agency visit?
Cameron: Okay. Is that a "5" or a curl? Oh, I hope Jen's finally found love.