Phil: Do I know that guy in the cloak?
Claire: Ah, hinge specialist. You might've seen him around. He's the guy for offbeat swivels and rare-beveled hook joints.
Phil: I find everything you just said very titila-
Claire: Shh.
Phil: [gasps]

Haley: We need to leave.
Mitchell: No, you got to go confront him.
Haley: I'm upset. I've had a couple drinks.
Mitchell: Okay. So, what's it like touring the world with other Canadian acrobats?
Haley: What?
Cameron: We just assumed you were a member of Cirque du Soleil.
Mitchell: Yup, because you're bending over backwards to avoid standing up for yourself.
Cameron: And setting a good example [together] for other women.
Haley: You both were thinking that?
Both: Mm-hmm.

Mitchell: [answering phone] It's Lily. Hey, honey. Is everything okay? [to Cameron] Jagger was very hurt by our speech. She didn't answer his texts 'cause we told her not to.
Cameron: Good.
Mitchell: He ran away.
Cameron: He did?
Mitchell: People are forming a human chain to search for him in the woods. Okay, honey, well, we'll be home soon, all right?
Cameron: Do you think we have some responsibility in this Jagger situation?
Mitchell: Ah... No. No. They they chose to build near the woods.

Rainer Shine: You guys, where's Haley?
Mitchell: Um, she is on a boat in the marina, putting you in her rearview mirror. Boats have those, don't they?
Cameron: I think so.

Rainer Shine: You guys, I was only letting that woman think we were on a date because she runs a celebrity site that buys photos from paparazzi, okay? I was trying to get one of me back because Haley is in it and this is the photo.
Mitchell: No. God, no.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Bedhead, sneeze face, and UGG slippers?
Rainer Shine: And now Haley's not answering my calls and somehow I'm supposed to smile through a weather report in 15 minutes? Pull yourself together, Rainer. You're a weatherman. [exits]
Cameron: Do you think our advice-
Mitchell: Sucked? Yes. Yes. We need to get to that boat before Haley hooks up with Dylan.
Cameron: She wouldn't do something that stupid.
Mitchell: Did you see the UGGs?

Jay: Is that Bailey? 'Cause I think Joe has a little thing for her.
Gloria: Yeah, he did have a little thing for her. It's here. He did it again. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you talking to him, because you will let him get away with murder because he's a mini you and you like it. And you know what's worse? That you're so mean to Manny because he's different than you.
Jay: First off, Joe is not a mini me.
Joe: Crap. Crapola. Crapinski.
Jay: Well, maybe a little, and maybe I kind of like it. But why would you want to knock the Jay out of Joe? Instead of one trophy, you get two.

Sal: Cameron, Mitchell, what a pleasant surprise.
Mitchell: Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.
Cameron: Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.
Sal: I took your advice. Called Werner. Told him I wasn't going to settle.
Mitchell: How did that- [glass shatters] How how did that go?
Sal: He was thinking that we might be something special, and then I gave him the ultimatum, and he said, "Maybe we're not actually meant to be."
Mitchell: I don't know what's happening. S-Sal, w-what are you doing? Straightening up.
Sal: You know, a place for everything-
Mitchell: No.
Sal: Everything in its place.
Haley: Hey, what about this?
Sal: This was actually salvaged from the Bismarck. [kicks it into the sea]

Sal: Give it to me!
Cameron: No!
Sal: Aah! [water splashes]
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Did she fall in?
Cameron: [holding the Tony award] No. I've got her right here.

Sal: That cold water woke me up to the hard truth I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm legendary in bed,
Cameron: Okay.
Sal: Yet I do settle. I mean, Werner is not good enough for me. I mean, I get why you two idiots settled. This is the best you're gonna do, right here. You're perfectly matched.
Both: Aww.
Cameron: Well, it's kind of sweet when you look at it that way.
Mitchell: Yeah. We are very lucky.
Cameron: Happy Valentine's Day.
Mitchell: Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
Sal: Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

Waitress: So, just yourself?
Phil: Uh, no, I'll be meeting my wife tonight.
Waitress: [laughs] That's the spirit.