Phil: Haley, put down the chair.
Haley: Why should I?!
Phil: Because this is getting absurd, and it's no fun being laughed at by a room full of scientists and a monkey in a diaper.
Luke: Yeah! We need to push that button, show those eggheads that we're not sheep!
Haley: No! Breaking the rules doesn't make you a hero! It makes you a screw-up! Take it from me, Luke. One out of a million dropouts becomes Steve Jobs. Do you know who become losers with no jobs? The other 99,000!

Phil: You're right, I set a terrible example for you.
Luke: No! It was awesome! Do you think Steve Jobs followed every rule? Doug Henning?
Phil: Keep talking.
Luke: What about that guy who lived in that town where people weren't allowed to dance? Did Footloose follow the rules?
Phil: His name was Ren, and he most certainly did not.

Mitchell: Now, easy on the filters, Cam. It's a family picture. We don't need sepia tone.
Cameron: You know what other tone we don't need?
Lily: Play nice.

Haley: What's so special? It looks exactly like the college I went to.
Luke: And we've been here exactly as long as you were there.
Phil: Luke, be nice.
Luke: Well, Alex is leaving. Somebody's got to keep the trains running.
Claire: Back me up here, guys. This place screams "Alex," right?
Haley: It looks like every other college in America. What am I missing?
Alex: Good grades, S.A.T. scores, basic verbal skills. That's how you do it.

Claire: [aside to camera] Caltech is the perfect school.
Phil: For Claire.
Claire: And Alex! Come on, we are talking about one of the best schools in the country. And, yes, it happens to be 45 minutes from our house.
Phil: Of course, we'll support her wherever she goes.
Claire: Obviously. Nothing is more important to me than her academic whatever, but with Alex, the important thing is keeping her close for the next four years. After that, I'm never gonna see her unless she Skypes me from Neptune, where she's living in a biodome she invented.
Phil: Awesome! That means Christmas on Neptune! [Claire sighs] Every other year?
Claire: No.

Luke: But it's so boring. It's like I'm being punished.
Phil: You are being punished. That's what happens when your teacher calls to tell me you cut class.
Luke: I'm sorry. I lost track of time making my movie.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Hummingbirdman: a superhero whose heart can beat a thousand times a minute, but can it love?

Haley: Check it, there's a lab on campus where they do experiments on you for 50 bucks.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to do a lot of these in college. Sometimes it's questions. Sometimes they hook stuff up to you. Sometimes it's just palling around with a monkey, wondering why they're rewarding him and not you.

Mitchell: So, daddy and I thought that we would look at these photos together, the pictures that we've taken so far, and see if there's anything that we would do differently. Like, okay, when I look at this photo, I think, "I could stand up straighter." Cam?
Cameron: Okay. I think I could be a little less "Ryan Gosling" and a little more "every man."

Haley: Back away from the button!
Phil: What are you doing?
Haley: I've been breaking the rules my entire life, and look where it's gotten me. I live in my parents' basement! I'm sick of being a failure at everything!
Luke: Oh, my God! You're not mad at us. You're mad at yourself.
Haley: That's what I'm saying!

Phil: Honey, you are not a loser.
Haley: Oh, please. I hear the shots you all take at me. I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into. Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure!
Phil: Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something. You have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure. Who cares if you don't fit into their little box. You're finding your way. That's what your 20s are for, to take chances... To- To make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them. The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
Haley: That was really sweet, Dad. I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.