Charles Dumont: Look to your left. Look to your right. Before this class is through, all of you will know how to make herb-roasted chicken!
Claire: Ohh! I know this recipe. I could make this chicken in my sleep.
Haley: How about we try it awake?

Charles Dumont: Let's start with the most important ingredient thyme. That's right. It's time to chop thyme.
Claire: He's just like he is on TV.
Haley: Yeah.
Charles Dumont: Thyme and chicken play together very well, unlike dogs and chickens. Tragic story my rescue whippet and I live next to an urban farm and- Oh, my, do you mind if I use this as an example?
Claire: Oh! Avec pleasure.
Charles Dumont: See how she's chopped it stems and all? That's wrong. Sloppiness like this can ruin a dish.
Claire: Oh. I had no idea. I suppose when it comes to herbs, though, you're something of a sage.
Charles Dumont: That's clever.
Claire: Thank you.
Charles Dumont: You can't eat clever.

Phil: [answering phone] Luke, what's up?
Luke: Dad? I think something's wrong with the dryer.
Phil: But I-I fixed it. I fixed it good. I'll be right there.
Luke: Hurry! I think it's leaving.

Lily: Can I take a picture of this? Sometimes my friends don't believe my stories.
Mitchell: There's got to be a better way of doing this.
Cameron: On the contrary, Mitchell. It's simplicity itself. I dislodge the nest. It falls into the trash can. You close the lid.
Mitchell: Then we just have a barrel full of angry wasps.
Cameron: Which we swiftly transport to a farm upstate where they'll be much happier.
Lily: Ooh, they'll see my friend's dog.
Cameron: Yeah, just like that.

Charles Dumont: I may have to change the name of this side dish to "potatoes au great-in."
Haley: I'm not hearing a difference.
Claire: Great.

Charles Dumont: Oh, this is unique.
Claire: Yes, thank you very much. You know how on your show you were always taking chances and trusting your instincts? Well, that is what I did.
Charles Dumont: That's because I have good instincts.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Charles Dumont: What's something you do well?
Claire: Cook?
Charles Dumont: No.
Haley: Uh, Mom, I think what he's trying to say is that you should more closely follow his recipe. You know, use the ingredients that he mentions. Measure stuff. Right?
Charles Dumont: Not at all. As I say in the foreword of my third book, "Who Can't Cook?," "Some people can't cook." Don't feel bad. Gourmet cooking is tough, though not as tough as your chicken.

Claire: Wait a second. I have been making this food for my family for months now. I make a big meal every Sunday. I'm a working mom. It's my one chance a week to give my family something and make up for the time I haven't spent with them. Are you telling me that I have been giving my family garbage? Wait, uh Haley, honey, have I been serving you garbage?
Haley: Um...
[aside to camera:]
Haley: What do you think I said?
[flashback:]
Haley: She is the best cook ever. We love all of her meals.

Cameron: Back on the farm, every time we would take down a wasp nest, I would get stung.
Mitchell: Something you might have mentioned.
Cameron: And never once did I need fancy medicine. Just a little mud. That's right, Lily. Daddy's being self-reliant.
Mitchell: What do you think the chances are he means actual mud?
Lily: Pretty good.
Cameron: Like my Aunt Dot said, "Whether it's bee stings or back aches, a little mud is good for what ails you."
Mitchell: I don't remember meeting an Aunt Dot
Cameron: She died.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: 15 minutes later.

Mitchell: All right. I thought I'd make you a little bit- Oh, my God!
Cameron: What? My face? Is it bad? It feels bad.
Mitchell: It looks a little like you stared directly into the Lost Ark.
Cameron: I want to see.
Mitchell: You don't.
Cameron: Do you think maybe me putting mud on it made it worse?
Mitchell: I don't know how putting dirt directly into a wound...

Phil: Gil Thorpe made a backup offer. He was just trying to scare me away.
Claire: Oh! I am so proud of you! Wow. Looks like the both of us had a little crisis of confidence today. [inhales sharply] In that cooking class...
Phil: Yes?
Claire: Yes, well, Chef Dumont had the audacity to tell me that I can't cook.
Phil: Huh.
Claire: Luckily, this one was there to straighten him out. I'm gonna make you a celebratory dinner. I think I've got most of the ingredients.
Phil: [chuckling] I can't wait! [to Haley] You had one job.