Claire: Honey, you have to be up anyhow. We've got our cooking class. I want to get there early and grab a stove up front.
Haley: Oh, my God, Mom. You and that chef. Keep it in your apron.

Haley: [aside to camera] We can't tell her how bad her food is because that would destroy her. So when I found out Chef Dumont was coming to town, I signed us up for his class, so he could do it.

Coach Gary: All right, Joe. Fire it in here, buddy. Ooh! Yes!
Gloria: Good. Now I don't have to tell another son that some boys have different gifts.
Coach Gary: Good job there, slugger.

Gloria: I hired Coach Gary. He's gonna teach Joe how to throw. [holding her hand to her mouth] Joe is the worst in his team.
Joe: I hear you!

Gloria: [aside to camera] Joe learned to throw by copying Jay, but Jay throws all crazy because of his bad shoulder.
[flashback:]
Jay: Like this, buddy. [throws ball] Son of a..!
Joe: [throws] Son of a!
[back:]
Gloria: It's the same reason Joe whistles "Sentimental Journey" when he pees.

Jay: You seem like a nice guy and all, but, uh, I got this.
Charles Dumont: Hey, no sweat. Coach Gary gets it.
Jay: Hey, uh, don't forget your ball. [throws ball, grunts]
Gloria: It's okay, Jay. Some boys have different gifts.

Lily: Right on time.
Cameron: Wait, Lily, did you hire a cleaning lady?
Lily: Yeah, with an app on your phone. Daddy said my room was a pig sty.
Cameron: Okay, we'll double back to that unnecessary and inaccurate slam on pigs, and I think daddy meant for you to clean your room.

Mitchell: Okay. Now go clean your room.
Lily: It's not fair. You guys use apps for everything.
Mitchell: No, we don't.
Cameron: Well...
Mitchell: Okay, there's Uber for when we eat out and Postmates for when we eat in.
Cameron: And TaskRabbit for stuff around the house. And Washio and ParkMe and the one where the guy comes over and builds a fire in your fireplace.
Mitchell: Oh, LogBuddy. I love LogBuddy.
Cameron: We need to start leading by example. From now on, we're all gonna be a little more self-reliant. For starters, I'll build the fires.
Mitchell: But the LogBuddy guy comes dressed as a lumberjack.
Cameron: I have a flannel shirt.

Claire: Oh, we just created some static in these sheets, huh?
Phil: That felt amazing.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I got all up in that dryer and fixed the hell out of it. [sighs] I feel capable of anything. You know what?
Claire: Hmm?
Phil: I'm gonna build it.
Claire: Dunphy Tower?
Phil: Dunphy Tower.

Claire: Well, if you're sure you're finally ready.
Phil: Of course I am. I just fixed the dryer.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: And it was the most satisfying thing I've ever done.
Claire: I'll just get dressed, I guess.