Jay: I was gonna fix that, anyway.
Gloria: Ay. Like you were going to clean the gutter? Coach Gary did it already.
Coach Gary: It really wasn't a problem. I'm not afraid of heights, and I've got big hands.
Jay: Those are fun details.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's like the guy was trying to steal my life. I wish he'd shown up when I was married to Dede. I would have made him a key.

Gil Thorpe: Freeze! Police!
Phil: I'm a Realtor. I'm not a criminal.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: If one of your clients is actually thinking about buying this minefield, that would be their second bad decision. First was hiring you.
Phil: Yeah, I got it.

Gil Thorpe: You're not gonna push one of your clients into this swamp, are you?
Phil: Maybe it just needs a developer with a little vision.
Gil Thorpe: Very little vision and no sense of smell. I mean, this neighborhood makes El Segundo seem like a Sephora.
Phil: It's in transition.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah. I'm out of here before I get jacked. You gonna be around here for a while?
Phil: I might.
Gil Thorpe: Maybe you can score me some methadone. [laughs]

Jay: I'm on the roof.
Gloria: Ah. Oh, okay. So come down because the TV's working already.
Jay: You know, I'm kind of enjoying hanging out up here. I I'll be down in a little bit. Hey, if Joe wants to work on his throwing arm, maybe he can toss up, uh, an empty bottle.
Gloria: Are you stuck up there?
Jay: Stuck? No! I can come down whenever I want to. I just have to dangle my body out over the edge and then reach blindly for that top rung of the ladder you're not supposed to use. But I'll be in in a little bit. I got a few things I got to do. Got to maintain the roof. It's your house's hat.

Mitchell: Oh, Cam, that sting looks really bad. We we should get you to a doctor.
Cameron: A doctor for a wasp sting? Yes, let's put on our top hats and eat crumpets while we're on our way.

Coach Gary: Give me your hand.
Jay: Why? So you can show me up again?
Coach Gary: What are you talking about?
Jay: Give it a rest. You come in here with your young shoulders, your ukulele.
Coach Gary: I'm not trying to show you up, Jay. I'm trying to impress you.
Jay: Why the heck would you want to do that?
Coach Gary: I guess you could say that, like you, I'm stranded in my own way.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.

Coach Gary: I got to tell you, Jay, I'm over the whole sports thing.
Jay: But you just won the championship.
Coach Gary: Exactly. And there's no more Dragons to slay. That's the team we beat last year. the Baby Blue Dragons.
Jay: I'm not seeing how I figure into this.
Coach Gary: I want to start my own business. You've been so successful. I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor.
Jay: What line of work?
Coach Gary: Pre-fab gazebos.
Jay: Nice! Every backyard could be its own town square.
Coach Gary: I knew you'd get it. After all, what's a gazebo but [together] an outdoor closet?
Jay: You're all right, Coach Gary.

Phil: You are standing on the site of the future Dunphy Tower. A quarter acre of mixed-use space in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Jay: Commercial real estate, huh? This is a departure for you.
Phil: I thought about it down to the last detail. Imagine a happy worker coming down from their transit-friendly office for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga, and what's that over there?
Jay: A doll's foot, I hope.
Phil: A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Jay: Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in Solvang. She got a quiche. It looked so good, I almost split it with her.

Phil: I'm not paying $350 for a moisture sensor that costs $28. I'll fix it myself.
Maintenance guy: [Russian accent] It's a complicated job. You know what I did back in Russia?
Phil: Yeah, yeah, I know. You were a doctor or a scientist.
Maintenance guy: I fixed dryers.
Phil: Oh.
Maintenance guy: I've been doing this a long time is my point.
Phil: Well, Yuri, Phil Dunphy is no pushover. I'm afraid it's a hard nyet.

Haley: Can't you do this somewhere else?
Luke: Right, the dryer's the one that needs to get its own place.