‘Crazy Train’
Season 7, Episode 21 - Aired May 11, 2016
Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.
Quote from Jay
Jay: My kids in the back, they don't hate Dede. They're preparing a roast for the wedding. That's how our family shows love. You'll get a taste of it at the reception. What are you, Italian? We'll do a whole thing, unless you shoot the place up first. See? That kind of stuff.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you! I don't know why you're pretending that you don't know me, but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason!
Carl: She really is your wife?
Gloria: For now. Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train to my next wedding. You're driving me insane.
Quote from Jay
Carl: Oh, I see what's going on.
Jay: Don't listen to her.
Carl: Dede's not crazy. You are.
Jay: Sure. That works.
Gloria: Who are you?
Carl: Oh, I'm Carl. Uh, my father's marrying Dede.
Jay: Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. Drinks on me.
Quote from Jay
Jay: And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you guys about Dede.
Donna: Oh, please. It's not like Carl's father is such a prize.
Carl: What?
Donna: He snapped and burned your mom's house down.
Carl: [nervous chuckle] She's kidding. Uh, we're doing a roast, too.
Donna: Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Woof! Did you forget Count Maxim Du Vernay brought his service shar-pei?
Phil: If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part.
Cameron: Again!
Quote from Luke
Cindy: Hi. You ready for me?
Luke: I believe I've Googled everything I need to know.
Quote from Luke
Cindy: So, let's get started. This is California. Lake Superior is here, all the way across- Are you trying to take off my shoe?
Luke: I thought you wanted to show me things.
Cindy: I do. I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Are you kidding me? If her new husband is an arsonist, you guys have to tell her.
Jay: Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house. He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay.
Quote from Claire
Mitchell: I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom, but I love her. I don't want her to wake up in a burning house just so you don't have to pay alimony.
Claire: I love Mom, too usually. But if this wedding doesn't happen, you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years - su casa or my casa.
Quote from Manny
Manny: [aside to camera] I was going to see Alex and let her down easy. I mean, she's family. It's taboo. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains.