‘Crazy Train’
Season 7, Episode 21 - Aired May 11, 2016
Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to camera] So, it turns out James got off right after I left him. On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone. Trains.
Quote from Phil
Cameron: Mr. Hastings, we did it. We made it to the caboose and back without being seen. Your book works.
Simon Hastings: I can't believe it. Are you sure?
Both: Yes!
Phil: It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise, and not to write the book for you, but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand.
Simon Hastings: Well, I was sort of in that area anyway. A thousand thank-yous. Silverton lives!
Quote from Phil
Haley: Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right?
Phil: Yeah.
Haley: Well, I don't know if this helps at all, but I was just talking to the engineer. It turns out he can't leave the controls because of what's called a dead man's switch. If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops. Anyway, you're welcome.
Cameron: If the engineer can't leave the controls, then...
Simon Hastings: He can't commit the murder. It's over.
Phil: Hastings, we are so sorry.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Wait! Is that the back of the train?
Luke: Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America. Sadly, I know all of this now.
Cameron: That's it. The engineer. He never has to leave the controls.
Phil: He waits for the horseshoe turn. Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.
Simon Hastings: This is brilliant! I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Cameron: Actually, it's just one clown.
Phil: One magician.