‘Crazy Train’
Season 7, Episode 21 - Aired May 11, 2016
Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.
Quote from Phil
Phil: We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author.
Simon Hastings: Gentlemen, the words are all out there. I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way.
Phil: [laughs] Classic Hastings.
Cameron: Droll. Droll is what it is.
Quote from Phil
Cameron: That by any chance isn't the -- the next Silverton novel, is it?
Simon Hastings: You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?
Phil: Crackerjack.
Cameron: It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it.
Simon Hastings: Well, I hope you won't be disappointed. Lovely to meet you.
Phil: What's your process?
Cameron: Are the characters just speaking through you?
Phil: How important is plot?
Simon Hastings: Here's an idea. How would you two like to sit quietly and read the first chapter?
Quote from Haley
Haley: Nope.
Alex: What? We're on a train, and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel.
Manny: I get it, and I love it. Wonderful Victorian tea hat.
Alex: Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.
Manny: Ma'am. See you at high tea.
Haley: He acts like someone with low "T."
Quote from Haley
Haley: So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave?
Lily: She never knows what she's doing.
Haley: [laughs] What an idiot.
Quote from Alex
James: Excuse me. You mind if I sit here?
Alex: Uh, no.
James: [chuckles] You have a beautiful smile.
Alex: Thanks. [chuckles] They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, but, hey, look at me now. [laughs]
Ticket Taker: Tickets?
Alex: Oh, yeah.
James: Uh, honey, do you have my ticket?
Alex: No.
James: I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.
Ticket Taker: Sorry, babe. Back to coach.
James: I forgive you. [chuckles] Come find me!
Quote from Jay
Jay: This is a $20. When my wife shows up later, "iced tea" means Scotch.
Quote from Jay
Haley: Grandpa, do you think it's weird Nana invited you to her wedding?
Jay: I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done.
Haley: Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her?
Jay: We were young. She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede wore me down, robbed me of my will to live. One day, she pushed me off the edge. I ran out of the house. They found me shirtless in the local fire station.
Quote from Phil
Cameron: Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings. Um, do you know, have they developed a cure yet?
Simon Hastings: For what?
Phil: A blown mind. Because we have two of them.
Quote from Haley
Haley: What are you still doing here? Go find him.
Alex: [sighs] I don't know.
Haley: Come on, it's a better love story than the one you're reading. You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl, and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes with a bunch of hobos in coach.
Alex: It's a $20 difference.
Quote from Lily
Lily: Manny likes hats, doesn't he?
Haley: Ooh, someone's still got a crush.
Lily: I'm not proud of it. I tried to get past it. But, you know, trains.