‘Crazy Train’
Season 7, Episode 21 - Aired May 11, 2016
Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.
Quote from Claire
Mitchell: Look, I'm sorry I told you that Mom picked me for the toast and not you. It's just that I've always had a special relationship with her.
Claire: Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey.
Mitchell: Don't do that. Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me.
Quote from Luke
Cindy: Look how beautiful California is.
Luke: The best part about taking the train, as I often do for my work with, uh, the children, has got to be the scenery.
Cindy: Yeah? What's your favorite spot?
Luke: Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.
Cindy: Huh. I don't think I've seen that.
Quote from Luke
Luke: So, where were we?
Cindy: Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur?
Luke: No, it's not, little miss. [chuckles] I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight. Not like my view right now isn't fantastic.
Quote from Cameron
Phil: [aside to camera] We needed to prove that the crime was feasible, so I would play the role of engineer/murderer.
Cameron: And I would play the role of everyone else. When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood" was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar.
Phil: Tuck?
Cameron: Didn't have to. The costume hid it quite nicely.
Quote from Dede
Mitchell: Hey, Mom! Hi!
Claire: Hi, Mom!
Dede: [on video chat] Well, hello, original family.
Jay: Dede, we have something we have to tell you. Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this. Just can't think of it. Your fiancee's a pyro. He burnt down his ex-wife's house.
Dede: It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day.
Claire: Mom, we just thought you should know.
Dede: Jerry told me everything. Trust me. She had it coming. The woman's "cah-razy."
Jay: So, you're okay he's a firebug?
Dede: He's passionate, Jay. He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you. Maybe if you had burned our house down, we'd still be together.
Jay: My mistake. You're right, Dede.
Quote from Dede
Dede: [on video chat] Claire, you're not mad at me about your seating arrangements?
Claire: Why? Where am I sitting?
Dede: Mitchell, tell her. Got to run.
Mitchell: You're not sitting at the family table. Hello!
Quote from Cameron
Phil: Sunday dinner! What?!
Cameron: The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious. Ustten!
Phil: What?
Cameron: It's Turkish for "from the top." I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: [aside to camera] We are all traveling to Portland because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried. We're so happy.
Jay: For us. It means the end of those damn alimony payments, so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it. It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done."
Quote from Luke
Luke: Dude, how much choice action are we gonna get on this trip?
Manny: I'm managing my expectations.
Luke: Don't you know anything about trains? Chicks go crazy. The vibrations get them all worked up. Also, they're trapped, which is nice.
Quote from Cameron
Phil: Oh, my God, it can't be.
Cameron: What? No, it's not a bald spot. I slept on it funny last night.