Phil: [answering FaceTime] What's the best first-person shooter about genetically-modified space marines? Halo!

Haley: Married! Why would I get married?
Phil: Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
Haley: What? Why would you think that?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Oh. Because you changed your Facebook status to "married." Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Phil: And you ordered this book.
Haley: Wow. First of all, it's called privacy. Google it.

Claire: [on FaceTime] I can't believe she's pregnant.
Phil: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Claire: Jump? Let's review. She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love and most suspicious of all she bought a book!

Jay: Fly safe. And remember, you can recline. It's still America up there.

Phil: [on FaceTime] What if you're right? What do we do?
Claire: I don't know.
Phil: I'll kill that Andy. How could he be so irresponsible? I mean, he's a good kid. But to run off with my baby girl after I fell for his "Aw, shucks" act! Which is probably not an act because he's genuinely nice and he thinks "shucks" is the "S" word. Still, I want to kill him! But that would be robbing my grandchild of probably a really great father! Damn you, Andy Bailey!
Claire: His last name is Bailey?
Phil: Oh, my God. She's gonna be Haley Bailey.

Jay: [answering FaceTime] Hello. Can you see me?
Claire: Thumb, Dad.
Jay: [groans] The minute they got rid of rotary phones everything went to hell.

Claire: [on FaceTime] I can't get in touch with Haley. I haven't talked to her since we got in that fight. She around?
Phil: I think she slept at a friend's house.
Claire: What friend?
Phil: Um... Not a normal name, starts with a vowel, possibly foreign.
Claire: Oh, maybe Alex knows. Is she home?
Phil: Nope. I have not seen her for hours. Does Haley know an Arjibarge?

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, Claire, did you get me some Garrett's cheese and caramel corn yet?
Claire: Oh, shoot. I forgot.
Cameron: It's the one thing you had to do in Chicago!
Claire: You are so right. I'm sorry that I let myself get distracted by my job.
Cameron: Okay, I'm looking for sweet and salty, Claire, not bitter.

Claire: [on FaceTime] Guys, listen, yesterday did Haley mention where she was gonna go after she babysat for Lily?
Mitchell: No, but when you do talk to her, can you tell her to be careful with my powder blue suit that Cam let her borrow without asking me?
Claire: Why did she want a suit?
Cameron: A friend of hers needs it for a wedding, and Mitchell needs to stop dressing like he's in a barbershop quartet.

Claire: [on FaceTime] Can you just do me a favor and call your sister?
Alex: [snickers] If she's screening, I'm not making the cut. Why don't you just snoop on her Facebook page with your fake profile?
Claire: I don't have a fake profile.
Alex: Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in. That trick might have worked on Haley, but I know that's a picture of Chachi.