Alex: I like football. Haley hates it. Which is weird because it's all boys, and there's no reading required. Do you know that she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair? And then, sometimes, she...

Cameron: Let's go, Illini! Let's go, right now!
Jay: Oh, looks like I got to watch the game with Dick Butkus.
Mitchell: Dad! Come on, that's offensive.
Cameron: He's one of the greatest linebackers to ever play at Illinois, and one of my personal heroes.
Mitchell: And his name is "Butkus"? Really, and we're just choosing to... Okay. All right. Dad, I thought you were being homophobic. Sorry.

Gloria: Okay, the truth? I sometimes feel like you don't like me.
Phil: Wow. Powerful, powerful stuff. Claire, tell us how it makes you feel.
Claire: Right now, I'm feeling a lot of anger.
Phil: Don't tell me, tell her.
Claire: Gloria, right now I'm really angry at Phil.

Phil: I'm feeling a hug. [Gloria and Claire hug] I was thinking group hug, but this is nice.

Cameron: Where did you go?
Mitchell: You heard him. He said, "get out of here."
Jay: Oh, my God. You're such a girl.
Mitchell: Dad, loo- I was coming to get a beer, anyways. Nice apology.
Jay: Nice beer.

Gloria: Does Jay buy me nice things? Yes, of course! All beautiful things! Look at this. Yellow, red, blue... All the colors. Do you think I can't live without these? Take them away, Phil.
Phil: Gloria, we all know you'd be fine without underwear. I mean, we know it's not about that.

Claire: [o.s.] Gloria? Come on, let's talk about this.
Phil: I've seen her kick in a door before.
Claire: [entering] I don't know what my husband is saying to you, or why he's covered in your underwear...
Gloria: Obviously, I'm trying to seduce him for his money. That's what I do, right? What do I have to give back so that everyone trusts me? Huh? These earrings?
Phil & Claire: No.
Gloria: What? This bracelet?
Phil & Claire:
Gloria: My new dress?
Claire: No.
Phil: I didn't respond because this shouldn't be about me. It should be about you talking to you about it.

Gloria: Just tell me one thing. How do you really feel that I'm with your father?
Claire: Honestly, at first, it was hard. You don't expect to wake up one morning with a new mom who looks like she fell off a mud flap. But I'm getting used to it. And the important thing is you make him happy, which you do, in so many ways. So many colors. Are we okay?
Gloria: No.
Claire: No?
Gloria: You embarrassed me in front of everyone downstairs. What, I'm supposed just to forget about it?
Claire: What do you want me to do? Just embarrass myself so we're even?
Gloria: Go jump in the pool.
Claire: Oh, you mean "go jump in a lake," right?
Gloria: Go jump in the pool with your clothes. Then I know you're sorry.
Claire: I'm not gonna do that, Gloria.
Gloria: Okay. Then I won't forgive you.

Luke: This is so awesome.
Haley: I know. Mom does not look good wet.

Cameron: How could he fumble that?
Jay: Center blew the snap.
Cameron: You know, I hate that. I played center, and I always got blamed for a quarterback's clumsy hands.
Jay: Well, I was a quarterback, and it was probably your fault.
Cameron: It's impossible to fumble the ball when the QB has the proper hand placement.