Phil: Okay, before you say no-
Claire: No.
Phil: You haven't even seen it yet.
Claire: Mm, I'm sticking with "no."
Phil: It's for Luke's career day. I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body.
Kids: Ew.
Phil: I just heard it, too.

Phil: How come you guys never had a career day?
Haley: Cutbacks.
Alex: Nor'Easter.

Manny: And Olivia Berman's mom works in the rare books department at the library. Hope I get a chance to pick that brain.
Jay: Looks like you got quite the career day lineup. So I guess they already got a closet guy coming in, huh?
Manny: No. I didn't think you'd wanna do it.
Jay: I don't, but you know, I just feel bad for the kids. A lot of interesting stories in the closet biz.
Gloria: Oh. Why have you never told us any?

Jay: All right. Maybe it's not the most exciting career in the world, but it pays the bills.
Gloria: No one is complaining.
Jay: Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes. But I had to make ends meet.
Manny: What other things?
Jay: Well, I always wanted to write thrillers.
Gloria: Like that hat story?

Jay: Spy thrillers. I've been kicking around this character, CIA Agent Chuck Stone, who doesn't care how much his antics annoy the brass in Arlington.
Manny: Why didn't you ever try it?
Jay: I was busy with work and family. I was gonna start writing after my divorce, but you know life got in the way.
Gloria: Why do you point at me when you say "life"? Am I "life"?
Jay: I meant you keep my busy.
Gloria: You had a 3-hour nap on Sunday.
Jay: I was tired.
Gloria: From what? Your 2-hour nap on Saturday?

Jay: It's a hell of a character. They taught him how to kill, but he never learned to love!

Lily: I love the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100? Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is $5 at the most?
Cameron: Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.
Cameron: I think the tooth fairy can handle the chardonnay. What I don't think she can handle is criticizing someone who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night.

Gil Thorpe: Pay attention, kids. You're about to hear from the number four realtor in town. [mouths "I'm number one"]

Phil: Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna bore you guys with a lecture. Instead, I'd like you to watch as I converse with a young man who's wondering what to do with his life. [to TV] Hey, kid. Hey, kid, up here! Up here!
Phil: [on TV] Yo, dude! Whassup?
Phil: I'll tell you what's up. I'm interested in helping you by telling you all about a career in real estate.
Phil: [on TV] Real estate? Isn't that just buying and selling houses? I don't have time for that. Epic fail.
Phil: [laughs] Sounds like we need to start at the beginning. You see, real estate is about people. [pauses]
Phil: [on TV] Pfft. People?

Phil: [on TV] Aw! You sold a house to the channel 7 weatherman?
Gil Thorpe: No. No. But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.
Phil: Guess what? He's not talking to you.