Phil: Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother and I just aren't comfortable with this.
Luke: That's so unfair! You don't even know him 'cause you're too afraid to talk to him.
Phil: Buddy, we're just looking out for you.
Luke: You never like any of my friends!

Cameron: Okay. So the numbers are by the phone. There's food in the fridge. I just changed her diaper. So all you need to do is put her down in about half hour and not let a serial killer in the front door.
Haley: Well, what if he's cute?
Mitchell: Well, then save him for us.
Cameron: [false chuckle] Nobody in, nobody out.

Haley: Oh, we're gonna be totally fine. You just go, get your gay on.
Mitchell: Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong. Or clearly it's not on yet. But it will be.

Jay: I'm telling you, kid, this is a concert you're never gonna forget. Greatest music in the world. Wait a minute. What's this?
Gloria: What do you mean?
Jay: What are we seeing?
Gloria: The symphony. The Four Seasons.
Jay: I thought we were seeing Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons.
Manny: No. It's Vivaldi.
Jay: Oh, crap. You mean nothing but instruments? I'm outta here.

Longinus: What about you, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Um, okay. I didn't know it was a crush because I was only eight at the time.
Pepper: I knew when I was eight.
Crispin: Everyone knew when you were eight.
Pepper: Longinus, get up. We're switching seats.

Pepper: Oh, Mr. Pritchett! Yoo-hoo!
Cameron: Jay. Jay.
Longinus: Oh, he looks like that dentist you hooked up with in Laguna.
Crispin: Oh, yeah, yeah. That was in my daddy phase.
Mitchell: Yes, please, keep this up. This is fun for me.

Jay: Fellas, how you doin'?
Mitchell: Hey, Dad.
Cameron: Hi, Jay.
Crispin: Hello, Daddy.

Mitchell: What are you doing here?
Jay: I'm just getting a drink while Gloria and Manny see a show.
Pepper: Well, please, join us.
Jay: No, I don't want to intrude.
Mitchell: He doesn't want to intrude.
Longinus: You are not intruding.
Jay: I'm gonna watch the game.
Mitchell: He wants to watch the game.

Claire: Honey, he's not moving. Is he okay?
Phil: Well, there's only one way to find out. [pushes Claire inside]
Claire: Mr. Kleezak? Mr. Kleezak? Okay. I- I don't know if he's breathing. Does he have a pulse?
Phil: Well, there's only one way to find out. [pushes Claire towards Mr. Kleezak]
Claire: Will you stop pushing me? You do it.
Phil: I hate this. I'm gonna kill Luke.

Cameron: [on the phone] Haley! Hi. Is everything okay?
Haley: Yeah. Why?
Cameron: Because I just saw a man walk through the living room.
Haley: What? Where are you?
Cameron: I can see through the camera on the computer.
Haley: You're spying on me? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is so lame. Look, I don't know what you think you saw maybe the TV or the reflection. Or maybe you think that my body is just shaped like a boy, like I don't have hips or something.
Cameron: No, no, no, no. You have a darling figure. I was just concerned that-
Haley: That hurts so much. This is the kind of thing that I expect from my mother, but not from my cool uncle. So, thank you for all of your trust.
Cameron: Okay, um, sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]
Haley: Unbelievable. [to Dylan] You gotta go.
Dylan: Okay.